Lost in Memory
by newdarlin
Summary: ‘Who are you' she muffles, confused. - what do you do when twelve years of your life suddenly... disappear? Darvey struggles, but c’mon it’s them. post 7x10.
1. The Car

**Hello everyone!**

**Here I am with a new fic, not planned at all, but my brain couldn't ignore it, so here it is!**

**It'll be a multichap, don't know how many yet...**

**I really hope you'll enjoy it :)**

**Please let me know your thoughts through a review, they're always welcomed!**

**Also, before letting you go, I want to thank my beta, Wika, for her awesome work. She's the best i could ask for!**

**Good reading**

**\- Fran.**

* * *

_The Car:_

"I'm sorry Harvey, I just had to know". And, without a look back she leaves.

He stands here alone, unable to move, still under the shock of her gesture. He doesn't understand it. Not one bit. Donna is a very reasoned person. She doesn't do in the spontaneous, and he doubts she planned what just happened in her office, late at night. _She _kissed him. _She _did it. 'I just had to know'. What does that even mean? What does she need to know that requires her lips smashing his in the most tender and sweet and soft way there is? Does it mean she doubts too? Does it mean she finally is ready to wave that stupid rule of her, for him?

Oh god he hates her. He is with Paula; she knows it and she kissed him nonetheless. She knows how he feels about infidelity, she knows his wounds, the deeper ones, the ones in the darkness of his being, the ones he hides from the rest of the world.

And yet, she turned him into a cheater. She, of all people, turned him into the one thing he does ever want to be, an unfaithful man. So, he is mad at her.

Still, if he looks the truth in the eye, he knows he hates her more because he wanted that. The kiss. He dreamt about it more than he should have, and when she finally did, he kissed her back. Of course, he kissed her back! Because he liked – _loved – _it.

Because her arms around his neck is the closest thing to heaven he experienced.

Because it feels right.

Because, if she hadn't broken her embrace, his hands would be moving towards her most private parts at this very instant and he would enjoy every second of it.

He hates her because he craves for her touch every moment of every day. Sometimes she would look at him that way too and his hopes would raise once again. That little 'perhaps' in his head he manages to shout down time to time, cruelly wronging him when he is persuaded, he has moved on. He still fantasises about her, using every memory from _the other time. _Damn her, and her witty remarks making his head spin and his heart melt.

He has a girlfriend goddamnit! But no, all he can think about is her. And because he can't love her that way, the only possibility he has, is to hate her that way.

A Donna morning coffee on his desk and he punches her. A teasing look and he kicks her in the knees. A drink late in the office and he throws her across the room. A very cleavaged dress and his right elbow meets her stomach. She eats strawberries in front of him and he slowly removes her guts outside of her body. An 'I'm Donna' and he murders her, burying her in the woods with his feelings.

All just pain and suffering. It is his little private game. A game he always wins over her. If he can't win love, he will win hate.

_A kiss and he kiss her back… _

It is time to admit he is losing. Every victory he had over her doesn't count anymore. He is losing the war. And she is the enemy. A good fighter must hate the enemy.

The irony being his hatred for her makes him love her more.

Her smile when she greets him, her eyes when he catches her gazing him. Her perfume invading all the space when she walks into a room. The sound of her heels when she steps towards his office. Her voice when she calls him. He would give anything to hear her moan his name once again. Her irresistible laugh. And those freckles. She wears them like an ornament, forming roads and bridges all over her body. He wants to know every pattern of it. He wants to draw them all with his hand, slowly caressing her, as she lies naked in his bed.

Her lips are exactly what he remembers them to be. Sweet, soft, delicate and smooth. And hint of vanilla in her lipstick makes him lick his own. There was a tongue touch. He initiated it, not really sure if it was purely intentional, or because he dreamt of it too many times his brain memorised 'kissing Donna = tongues'. She let him in, and he smiles at this thought. She caught it between her teeth, just for a second, and his blood went south right away as the move surprised him. He hopes she didn't feel him, because he doesn't want her to know how hard she makes him feel in record time.

It takes a minute for him to realise he is picturing her, ass on her desk and legs apart, her dress high on her thighs. His groin, taking all the space in his boxers, only reminder of his loneliness. In a desperate attempt to get himself back together, he gathers is thoughts and tries to decide what to do next. Where to go from there? He knows the place they are is not one to last. They may have crossed the 'best friend' line, he still doesn't have a clue to where they are. It doesn't take a genius to figure out they are not safe in this position though. And he needs to know where to stand, because he doesn't want to lose her.

Maybe he already has. And the kiss is her way to say 'goodbye'. No, it can't be it, it doesn't look like something Donna would do. Donna is a woman of words. Words are her biggest weapon. She would have spoken to him, telling him she can't do it anymore. Pretend. Act like they have a very platonic work dynamic and relationship. Feign the witty and flirty comments they make on each other are no more than just friends' tease.

She would have told him; she wouldn't have left him. Donna doesn't leave Harvey.

And yet she's gone.

He stands here in her office and she is probably ho- why would she left without her purse and coat?

_Shit she is still here_. He will find out tonight what all of this means.

Driven by his hunger alone, he wonders where she might be hiding. He starts with the obvious, the bathroom. Empty. File room? Deserted. Louis' office? No, she can't go seek for reassurance yonder. He walks towards it nonetheless but same as before, no signs of the redhead.

She is in a place she feels safe and secure, a place she knows she can't be hurt in. After exposing herself the way she did with the kiss, she needs comfort. Rachel's office! He takes the elevator and enter the 48th floor, walking until he reaches the new lawyer's office. A hint of disappointment on his face when he doesn't spot her there.

The hunt starting to nerve him, he has still one place to check. If he doesn't find her here, he'll be done and their little chat will have to wait. He is exhausted and playing hide and seek does not help the fatigue to fade away.

Taking the stairs this time, he climbs onto the roof. He pulls the door, eyes narrowing the area for a shadow, a shadow he never finds…

He sighs of despair. He really believed she would be here. She really doesn't want to be found. She doesn't want to be near him. He gives up then, walking towards the ledge of the roof. Eyes closed, he takes a deep breath, letting the cold air of Manhattan enters his lungs. His hands are resting on the blocks, as he starts to wonder what would have happened if he hadn't been a complete blind idiot all these years.

He clearly sees the life he missed with her. The time lost forever, too busy being afraid and acting like the cowards he claims to outpace.

All the family weekends, holidays and some other Christmases and birthday's parties. The gardened house and the dog. Children laughs filling the loving atmosphere. The simplicity of a life full of joy she would have given him. Happy times.

He eventually opens his eyes, looking down at the enter of the building. Staring the passer-by's ballet, a little laugh escapes his lips when two of them suddenly crash into each other, both their phones now on the ground and the tone of their voices raising._ Stupid people_.

A few minutes pass, his mind tricking him with images of the Specters that might have been, when he finally gazes a familiar hair colour. She is half hidden by the darkness of the night, her back against the building. He immediately recognises her, 50th floors apart and he still manages to do so.

He suddenly feels like a fool for ignoring this possibility. He can't believe it, amongst all the choices she has, he forgets the logical one. The exit. She wants to escape, of course she goes out of the building!

Cursing himself, his feet are already carrying him downstairs to his next stop, the elevator. He flames the slowness of the machine, the ride down seeming to last longer than a hundred years.

He finally is in the lobby when he spots her outside, resting again the glass wall of the facility, talking to herself. She seems very upset, and it is not a good sign. At all. Whenever Donna is talking to herself, out loud, troubles are on their way.

He freezes, not sure anymore. Not sure of what to say or how to act. He doesn't want to upset her, but he needs the answers she doesn't seem to want to give to him. Taking his balls in his hands, he walks across the lobby, reaches the door and meets the background noises of the city.

Taking little steps towards her, he doesn't want to scare her when he'll end her monologue. He is only 16 feet away when he calls with an oddly calm voice: "Donna".

He waits for her response, but she doesn't flinch.

"Donna please" he repeats a little louder, still walking. This time she hears him, and the reaction she has is sadly the one he feared.

She lifts her head, eyes locked on him. Taken by surprise, she quickly gets herself back together, freezing only half a second. She doesn't want to face him now. She is not ready to speak about her sudden and mostly unexpected gesture. Her body speaking for her, she finds her feet instinctively carrying her towards the building facing the firm's, walking away from him.

"Harvey now is not a good time, please leave me alone". Her tone is colder and sharper than she intends it to be, perhaps for the better. She is fast, faster than him. He gets it, she wants to run. He won't get in her way, he knows he can't drill her shell like that, not here. He only takes a few steps, leaving a noticeable distance between them. "Donna, I just want to talk to you, please, you owe me that", he tries.

Wrong words. It makes her stops on the spot. She is pissed and he feels like a moron as he sees her turning to face him, her index pointing in his direction, rage in her eyes.

"Excuse me?! How do you dare say that to me when you know you owe _ME _almost your entire career!" she shouts, hurt. "Without me you would have become a miserable little corrupted lawyer thinking he's on the top of the world when he really can't spot the difference between his head and his ass! I bet Gordon would have loved a little puppy to cuddle and to give to the shark to eat only to save his reputation!".

She knows she has gone too far with this, the dangerous mix between exhaustion and indignation speaking.

She is mad too, against herself. She has given up. All the victories she won over herself, smash into ashes after that one kiss. She has yield to her demons and she can't bear it. She had one job for 13 years. Keep him safe and keep him unhurt, she has to protect him from monsters, and mostly from himself. She is his guardian and he is her duty. And with one, stupid idiot act, she suddenly becomes the fallen angel, the sinner. The keeper falling in love with her protégé.

She doesn't know why she did it. Is it the results of a moment of despair? Mike's, and then Louis' speeches running down on her? 13 years of unspoken feelings?

All she knows is, regrets started showing the second after her lips parted from his._ 'I needed to know'_. She needs, but she doesn't want to. And now she knows, she knows for sure, she knows for real, she loves him. Not like a brother, or a cousin. She loves him like he runs her world. She loves him like he lights the sun every morning and hangs the moon every night. She loves him like the snow loves the cold, like the ocean loves the sand, like the rain loves the plants, and like the wind loves the trees.

She loves him in a way she won't ever be able to express. No words are enough. And it is scary. Oh gosh, she is scared. The fear has taken the control of her mind and body. She is defensive, because she feels attacked. By her own feelings. And by him. His own presence now makes her feel uncomfortable. She wants to run, run so far away from him. If she does so, she won't ever have to feel like that again. She won't ever have to face him and pretend there is nothing more. Pretend there is no _that_ way. Pretend she isn't picturing him naked when he stands in his office, looking at the skyline, a glass of Macallan in his hand. His hand, running all over her. Capturing her breast, then running down her ribs, to go grab her ass and finally make their ways to her pussy.

For all the restrictive rules she has imposed to herself over the years – because no, she doesn't have just one for him -. In the name of all the self-control she has kept. She is furious, enraged, frenzied at herself. So, no. Now is not a good time for a talk at all Harvey.

Her love, the other time, the non-other times, her rules, her loneliness, her sorrows, her hopes, her forgetting herself… The list is long, but all the topics have one common denominator: Harvey Specter.

She puts it all on him. It is all on him. It is all his fault.

She turns her back on him, leaving a speechless Harvey, more than surprised twice by the same woman the same night. He surely isn't prepared for anything that harsh – and true – coming from her. He sees her walking again but she doesn't see the car, blinded with anger.

All that comes after is only blurry and foggy. She remembers putting her hand on the bonnet, like it would stop the vehicle. She remembers feeling her left knee being hit by something cold. Then she doesn't touch the ground anymore, her head spinning and spinning. It never stops. She tries to move it, but she can't. Her chin is forced onto her chest, she only sees unmoving shadows, standing still. She hears only her breath. No klaxons noises, vrooming engines, shouts or any king of civilian racket to disturb her. Her loud and irregular breath invading her ears. Her legs are being burdened in every direction they can, as same as her arms. She has lost all control over her body, over her life. Times stops at this very moment, and she is afraid it might stop forever for her.

Ultimately, the back of her skull hits the mirror of the car, putting an end to her flight. She falls back roughly on the ground, a broken sound coming with it. The last thing she remembers before closing her eyes is the distant scream of her name. As her eyelids finally close themselves, she can rest.

_._

_._

_One month later – Mount Sinai Hospital._

He is sitting quietly in the room, a concerned look on his face as he runs through some files he brought from the office, a pain in his lower back warning him he must be sitting here for quite some time. It has been a month or so since he began to spend all of his days enclosed here, and the armchair hasn't become comfier.

He takes a look at his watch, 07:00 PM. Perfect time to go grab something to eat, his work not being as good as usual, the fatigue taking over. He might even run into Richie, a distraction he won't say no to.

Richie is a middle-aged guy, quite extrovert, too much even. Harvey didn't really like him, but one day they were both looking for some coffee, and a word entailing another, they now sit for hours listening to what the other has to say. He had quite a life, that man. He is here for his teen girl. Widowed, the mother's child died in a plane crash four years ago. And, as fate wasn't done toying with them, they diagnose the girl a pancreas cancer. In six months, Richie will have lost everything. In some way, Harvey feels lucky because he still has hope to hold on to.

They understand what the other is going through, and the lawyer admits it, it feels good. Of course, he is helped by Mike and Rachel, and Donna's parents as well, but spending entire days at a hospital is a complete another way of life he is now sharing with Richie.

The principal hobby here is waiting. Hospitals teach you patience, you can't take that from them. You wait so much you lost any track of time.

A new routine slowly replacing the one he had for years. He only drops by his flat twice a week, to wash his clothes. The rest of the week he is with her. Not being her husband or direct related family – only by the law – he isn't supposed to sleep in her room or even be here all day, but he lawyered his way near her, the impossible thought of leaving her making him want to throw up. He, of course, buries himself in work, a classic Harvey Specter reaction.

His perfect gentleman looks slowly fading away as the weeks go by. He leaves his perfect tuxedos, expensive shoes and other watches home. He is now a sweater and sneakers guy, a beard showing.

Only a month and his whole life changed. As expected, Paula was out of the picture two days after Donna's accident. He is now a single man waiting for the love of his life to wake up from her coma. He didn't have the chance to tell her and maybe she won't ever hear him says the words. She has to wake up, she needs to hear them. She deserves to hear him say it to her face.

The guilt of her current state taking too much space, he won't ever forgive himself for what happened if she doesn't wake up. And even if she does, he is not sure he ever will.

Arriving in the lunch space, he doesn't see Richie sitting on their favourite table. Too bad. He only buys a take-away meal – bagel, muffin and coffee – he can eat in her room, not in the mood to talk to anyone else.

He is back with her 10 minutes after, returning to his chair and looking outside of the window. The sun is gone, letting the darkness of the night swallowed the sky. He stares at the skyline for a minute, taking a small time to breath out and finally relax a little.

He opens his bag, picks the bagel and starts eating it. His eyes still outside, he doesn't see her move her head. Her gasp is the sound bringing his eyes back on her. He first thinks he is dreaming; she can't have utter sounds, that is not possible.

He takes another bit in his bagel, only this time he sees the head move and the mouth opening to let out a pain growl. The bagel is on the floor when he comes sit on her bed, his hands wrapping hers.

He dares ask: "Donna… hey" a genuine smile on the face. She still has her eyes closed but she tries to move her legs and shoulders, as if she is dreaming.

He tries again: "Donna, it's Harvey. You're okay" he whispers, "You can open your eyes, you're okay, you're safe". He murmurs.

And she does it, she opens her eyes. Slowly, giving time to her pupils to adjust to the light. It takes her a few minutes to fully see the blurred form sitting next to her.

And when she finally sees him, she is intimidated, scared even. But he says she is okay, and for some reason, she decides to trust him. She overviews the room she is in. A hospital, she is in a hospital. How did she get here, she has no ideas. She brings her hand to her head, breaking Harvey's embrace. He let her go, grabbing the button and pressing it, informing the nurses she is awake.

She has a strange look in the eye, not the look he is used to have from her. She looks at him like he is a stranger.

She wants to speak, but she still has a tube in her throat, he tells her to wait for the nurse. And again, she trusts him and wait.

The nurse arrives in the room a few moments later, removing the tube and checking whatever she has to, to make sure Donna is okay. Neither Harvey nor Donna speak during that time. One still under the shock of her awaken, the other too lost to do so.

She must be a new nurse, because when she leaves the room, she greats them with "Donna you are fine, the doctor will come very soon to make other tests and check on you. For now, try not to move or speak to much. Right then, I give you too a moment, Mr and Mrs Specter".

Mrs Specter. Harvey smiles at the thought and he doesn't correct her.

Her voice is low and hoarse, but she manages to asks shyly and almost ashamed, a frightened look on her face: "I'm… we're, are we… are we married?!"

He laughs, thinking she is joking he is still looking at the door when he answers, "No, no we are not, but I spend my days here with you, she surely is a new employee and jumps into conclusions too fast".

"Oh okay… well then, may I ask you… Who are you?!" she muffles, confused.

* * *

**We've reached the end of chap 1!**

**hope you enjoyed the premise !**

**Don't forget to review :) **

**\- Fran ( newdarlin) **


	2. Time

**Hello guys!  
**

**First thing, thank you for the lovely feedback I had concerning the first chap! It was very encouraging!**

**I finally managed to write down chapter n2! I hope you won't be disappointed :) **

**Special thanks to my friend and beta Wika, who has the patience to read it. girl you are worth sm more than you think!**

**Please let me know what you think of this!**

**Good reading!**

**\- Fran.**

* * *

_Time:_

The question has the sound of despair. He prays for it to be his ears playing an unfair trick on his brain. Her voice resides in his head as an echo, only starting to fade away when he takes full awareness of what her question means. She doesn't remember. She doesn't remember _him. _The note of her interrogation now gone, replaced by sorrow as his eyes are now looking at the end of his world. At her. _She doesn't remember._

She sees his confusion and a wave of guilt ravages her. She should have known something she doesn't, she is missing the bigger picture. She is Donna, supposed to know it all, she is the person people go to to seek for comfort, not to make them lost with a question as stupid as the one just fallen from her lips. A kind man is obviously taking good care of her and she is making him feel demolished.

The awkward scene does not last as the doctor knocks and enters in the room accompanied by the same nurse who checked on Donna. Donna's face turns to look at him, the knock bringing her back from her thoughts, whereas Harvey doesn't move an inch, his jaw still wide open, ready to swallow a fly.

"Miss Paulsen, glad to have you back among us." The doctor starts, now standing right next to her bed, his eyes meeting with Harvey, threatening to faint at any moment. "Mister Specter, are you okay?" he slightly jokes, being aware of Harvey's devotion to Donna during the past month, and having figured out the amount of love they share. He enjoys seeing Harvey taken aback by the awaken of his other half, reminding him patients aren't just cases, they are families to others. The awaken of a patient is always something he loves to witness, because it is never just that. It is a whole family awakening. The end of long desperate nights and questioning on whether they will be able to speak and share their love with one another, and to be truly honest with himself, he was really looking forward for Harvey to do so, for the simple reason of him not seeming to be a guy very good with telling love.

Harvey stays still, he then gently puts his hand on his shoulder and shakes it, the squeeze causing to finally get him out of his trans. He lifts his head to lock his eyes with the doctor's, all the desperation assembled in his dark pupils.

Something is wrong.

"She doesn't remember me". His voice breaks as the spoken words vibrate and fill the room. He looks like a child. All alone in a world without any landmark, nothing to hold on to anymore. The ceiling has cracked, the floor is wide open and Harvey is gulped by the hole it creates. Harvey has often thought on what could be able to destroy him, since Donna left him for a moment, wanting to be aware of what could make him fall from the pedestal he worked so hard to be on, he wanted to be prepared for what could come. He came up with actions. Jessica being disappointed in him. Him being fired from the firm. Never having his name on a wall. Even his possible wife cheating on him if he thinks on a more personal level. Losing the trust the people he loves, have in him.

Actions. That were what could break him. Never words. Not like that. Not when they are spoken with the almost childish tone of innocence.

And here he is now. Without a world to live in anymore. By cause of words. Three words have destroyed Harvey Specter. That is what it takes.

"What do I don't remember?" Donna asks, her weak voice cutting in.

"Miss Paulsen, do you remember how you ended here?" the nurse gently approaches.

Donna tries to speak, but only harsh sounds come out as her hand reaches her throat and her mouth mimics an 'I don't'.

"You were involved in a car accident. Someone ran you down just in front of your job's building" the nurse calmly goes on, as Donna slowly takes in the information. She had a car accident. Okay. Fine. She is alive. She tries to move her legs, the need to know if they can still work, if she could still run – away? - taking over any other questions. With a gentle hand on her feet, the nurse understands her concern and reassures her. "Donna your spinal cord wasn't touched, your reflexes are good. You will be able to walk again." She smiles. The doctor continues for her "As for the rest of your injuries, you have three broken ribs, an almost healed twisted ankle and two fingers dislocations. Oddly enough your head trauma wasn't massive at all. You were very lucky."

Now she starts to have the full picture. She was going to say something but she is cut by a very disoriented Harvey. The roles seem to be reversed. She is the injured one but he is panicking. And she still doesn't understand why as she should be a complete stranger to him. He seems like a nice guy, but to be this empathic is almost uncalled-for.

"Her head trauma wasn't massive but she still has lost her memory". He pouts.

Her memory again. Her memory is the cause of his reactions.

Assembling all her strength, she manages to outpaces her throat illness and asks: "What should I remember?". Her eyes switching between the three persons standing in front of her.

"Me, you should remember me" Harvey sighs, tears threatening to run down his cheeks.

Her eyes are now lock with his. She feels so sorry for him and she can't do anything to help his confusion. She would like to nonetheless, for some reasons she isn't able to put into words, she seems drawn to him. A rope resembles to tight her feelings to his, she understands him, his eyes telling her all the pain and suffering he holds.

And it scares her.

She would love to blame the feeling on her own confusion, explains it due to a lack of comprehension, the turmoil of her awakening, the blurry brain being hers messing with her abilities, and it would be why she doesn't really care she had an accident and is lying in a bed hospital for god knows how long. It would be so less scary, so less, if she could manage to put her confusion over his, herself over him. _But I can't._

She has a bunch of information to swallow and she bets some news to learn too, but focusing on herself sounds just impossible, not with his eyes hang on her mouth, waiting for her to say whatever word which would have the chance to change his sad expression. As much as she would like, all she can think about is him.

And she should remember him. _But I don't_.

Her eyes widening, the nurse sees her starting to panic as Harvey's presence is becoming more and more of an unbearable burden in the small room.

"Mr Specter, please come with me", her calm voice filling the room synchronised with her hands taking him by the shoulders, pressing them to make him stand up.

Harvey turns his face to the nurse's and try "But… I, she…". But before he gets a chance to speak a proper sentence, the nurse reinforces "Please, Mister" a small smile on her lips, granting him it is right now the best thing to do. Leave her alone for a while.

Harvey manages to get up, although it takes him everything, he has left to increase the distance between them. His eyes never get off of her.

"She doesn't remember me…" are the only words Harvey speaks when he sits himself on the bench next to her door, the nurse friendly joining him.

"Mister Specter, your wife just woke up from a one-month coma caused by a car accident. Her memory loss is quite common. In fact, I would be surprised if she still remembered. She will have it back, with time".

_Wife. _The word lead to the question which lead to the revelation which lead to loneliness. A simple word causing now the situation he is in. He decides to correct her this time.

"We're not, it's not… it's not like that. We aren't married" he just facts, his head down.

All embarrassed, the nurse muffles "Oh, I'm…I'm sorry you seemed so, I just assumed…and you didn't correct me earlier, I'm sorry".

"Don't be. You are not the first one to do so" he whispers in a little smile, "You weren't mistaken, I do see her like that."

"Yes, I figured out the last part" she jokes as an attempt to light up the atmosphere.

"Took me twelve years. I had twelve years to tell her she is the most important person in my life, and I never did. And now she doesn't even know who I am" he sadly murmurs.

"She will" the nurse affirms, "Know who you are and how much you love her".

"How can you know that?" Harvey desperately asks, wishing for her to be true.

"I don't. But I hope. For your sake, and hers. Because you look at her like she runs your world, and I still want to believe we live in a place where a love like this wins over life."

He thanks her, and the tears he can't hold any more slowly wet his cheeks.

"You should call her parents" is the last truth she tells Harvey today.

.

.

Her room door closed, separating him from her, Donna can finally breath. She turns to see her doctor, frowned brows, a worried face glancing at her. She now wants to understand what is happening to her. She has so many questions popping in her head and she can't ask a single one, not being the one leading the interrogation for now.

"Miss Paulsen, could you tell me what is the last thing you remember before waking up here?" leaving the joking tone behind for a more formal one, not reassuring Donna at any point.

Her voice is warming up a little, but the achiness still here keeps her to speak up as much as she would like. She goes for words, simple and clear, straight to the point. "Theatre. Play. Friends. Bar."

"Nod if I got the story correctly. You went to the theatre, saw a play with your friends and after you finished the night in a bar".

She nods, even though the truth was elsewhere. It was her theatre group closing night, they played _Antigone _by Jean Anouilh and she was the first role's sister, Ismen. To celebrate the last boards treading, they went out and drank a little. But she didn't recall being more than tipsy and even less anything that would have to do with a car.

Doctors may have the reputation to not care at all about a patient history, seeing them only as cases and meat on a table, some still manage to invest a little bit of themselves in how a person can land in one of their OR, and lucky enough for Donna, this doctor is among the exceptions. He knows the lady hasn't been in a play for almost three years, and he also knows, she is now the COO of one of the best law firm in the city, and that night she wasn't in a bar drinking with friends but well indeed in front of the said law firm building.

He asks then, "Miss Paulsen, could you give me your complete name and birth date?"

"Donna Roberta Paulsen, November the 26th 1975" she states, looking at him like he just asked her the colour of the sky or how many fingers she has.

"And what year are we?" brows still frowned.

"2002 why?", her answer falling like it is the most natural and simple truth in the world. Except it is not. The right answer is 2014. Twelve years of her life are missing. Her brain has erased over a decade of memory and she doesn't have a single clue about it.

She sees the doctor stopping his every movement, just half a second, just long enough for her to get she hasn't given the proper year. His worried eyes looking up at the ceiling.

Something is wrong.

She went from incomprehension to compassion. But now she is scared. And lost. And all alone. Without her family to reassure her, in this cold and paled hospital bedroom, wearing an hospital blouse, with a doctor saying too less with words but too much with motions.

Nobody lets her the time, the time to put the pieces of her scattered life together. Nothing is making any sense, one minute she was happily drinking with friends and the next she wakes up surrounded by all but familiar faces, in a hospital, being told she was involved in a car accident.

The doctor has already said to her she appears to suffer from memory loss, therefore more tests will be performed to know the complete details of the incident. He tries to put her mind to rest when he says a lost of memory is a common symptom.

She doesn't have the time to think, it is all happening so fast, so fast for her. She can't keep up with reality. Her mind still blurred from the drugs running through her veins completed by the amount of news she has to swallow, she is a passive viewer of her condition, like the patient the medical staff is talking about isn't her. She could almost separate her mind from her body as she swears, she sees herself being taken down to the exam floor for an MRI by two nurses. Tears are running down her cheeks, her hands forming fists, all of her situation becoming too much for her alone to bear, she is sobbing as the inevitable truth she is not okay, and won't be okay for a long time is hitting her. She can't stop herself from sobbing, incapable of keeping her mask on. Her eyes closed; she doesn't need to open them to know she is as much trapped in the machine as she is trapped in a life she doesn't recognise as hers. The sounds of the whirr appliance and her sobs playing a breaking melody. She lets down her guard in here, her inside voice not letting her the alternative. She is falling apart because she doesn't see an alternative.

_._

_._

_The next day._

None of them slept well. How could they? They are oblivious on everything. Her state, what she does or does not remember, what they should do, what they can do, what is best for her, what is to come. They are clueless, all hopping for good news this morning, if there is still something alike in their case.

Harvey called her parents last night, to let them know she has finally emerged, but by the time they made it to the hospital, she was already asleep and with the time needed for the results to come combined with the late hour, Harvey nicely asked them if they wanted to stay at his condo. They gladly accepted the offer, none of them wanting to freak out on their own.

He also called Mike and Rachel, telling them it is too early to visit her, but avoiding the 'memory loss' news for now. He doesn't know enough to tell people about it. He needs answers to his questions before having to respond to someone else's. For God sake's he only knows she doesn't remember _him_. Who knows what or who she still has in memory? Is he _again_ her exception? Will he be once _again_ the one she does things differently with? Will he be the only one to lose her?

_Fucking fate_.

She comes to him, works for him, makes him fall for her, keeps him at a flirty distance, bangs him, asks him to forget it, rules him with bullshit boundaries, tells him she loves him and leaves him, comes to him _again_, leaves him _again_ because **I can't do this anymore Harvey, I want more**, has more, kiss him, and gets hit by a fucking car.

_Fucking fate. _

The appointment with the doctor is at 8:00AM, early in the day, but too much late for them.

Despite three souls in the condo, the silence reigns along with an uncomfortable heaviness, both of them filling Ray's car on their way to the hospital and now in the waiting room.

"Mr and Mrs Paulsen, Mr Specter, please follow me" the doctor informs them. Oddly enough, he leads them in front of Donna's room. The door is closed, but they can see she is awake, or at least her eyes opened. They don't enter in yet.

"We have all the results from the exams we run last night, and I have good news" he starts a shy smile on his lips, "All the results are clear, she doesn't have more injuries or hidden ones."

They would have loved to sigh of relief, but if they didn't find anything, "How do you explain her memory loss then?" Jim dares to ask with an uncertain voice betraying his want to know but his fear to do so.

"Medically speaking, we can't. There is nothing wrong in her body we can fix, because there is nothing more to fix than what we already did. Sometimes, when the body experience such a traumatic event, the brain reacts a certain way, way the modern medicine doesn't comprehend. All I can tell you for now is, memory losses are complicated things to treat, especially because each patient, each case is completely different from one to the other."

He was about to continue his explications when Donna's mother cuts him, the question looking more like a plea, "Will she ever, recover it, her memory? Does she… does she remember us?"

"She seems to have forgotten the last twelve years of her life. Completely forgot it. She woke up thinking we were in 2002".

Her parents are in the middle of an intern struggle. Yes, she does remember them. But she has forgotten over a _decade _of what life has given her. She has a decade of internal growth and experience and family memories and healed wounds to catch up on. They have lost twelve years of their daughter. And you can't make up for time loss. That is the thing with time, it is a linear thing, only going forward, never taking a step back. never playing two times the same second. Not. A. single. Second. And Donna just lost billions and billions of them. Her parents are as still as marble statues trying to process while the doctor goes on, "To be truly honest with you, we don't know if she ever will have it back. She may never recover those missing years, she may remember it all in ten seconds, ten days, ten years. Or she may recover it bit by bit during the rest of her life".

And Harvey dies.

She has forgotten who he is, and she may never acknowledge she had a life with him in it. A life where they were best friends, partners. Where he was her confident and she was his. A life where she keeps him safe and care and trust him. A life where she has a blind faith in him. A life in which she is his everything. She may never recall it.

Tomorrow she will be able to go on and live a life where he isn't in the picture. A life without him. She will be able to laugh, scream, smile and cry without needing him. His opinion nor his shoulder.

And he dies, because, he, he can't. He can't live without her. He is incapable of not having her in his life. Damn it he sacrificed twelve years of secret love because she didn't want more, to have her in his life. Those same twelve years she has no clue of.

Harvey Specter isn't Harvey Specter if Donna Paulsen isn't right behind him, ready to catch him fall, ready to have his back. and it is a two-way rule. Or is it 'was' now? He can't picture a life where he doesn't see her auburn locks every day, where her fragrance doesn't fill his nose the minute she bursts into his office. A life where coffees don't have vanilla, where strawberries aren't synonym of whipped cream and where Del Posto is just another restaurant in NYC.

The redhead has been the light in his life for twelve years. She put colours in his life. She was his rock in the storm, his shelter in the dark and the reason he wanted to be a better man. Because, for twelve years, he woke up with only one goal: finally becoming a man worthy enough to being called 'hers', hoping one day he would deserve this title. He tried every day of every year to be a better person because Donna Paulsen brings out the best in people. And she deserves only the best of people.

He needs her. And she doesn't leave him. Because Donna doesn't leave Harvey.

And yet she is gone.

She seems even more far away now well awake than when she was still peacefully asleep. Because he still had hope for them. He still had hope for them to rise in their realm.

But hope is dead.

So, Harvey dies.

His heart and soul die. His body physically paining him.

When the doctor offers them to come in and great her, he doesn't. Because it is not his place anymore, he's not family to her anymore. Not from her point of view anyway. Because he knows she will always be family to him, he won't ever be able to forget her. Ever. How could he forget that? He could never forget that. He could never forget her.

He gently watches them get in, his heart aching him, he feels his guts being teared out as his eyes land on her. Her sight too much for him to handle now, and yet he can't keep them off of her. The pain both destroying him and reminding him life is that cruel. He still has to carry his corps trough the life of suffering waiting for him, without her, without Donna.

He never thought never entering in a room could hurt that much, and here he stands, tears baptising his cheeks, since now loving her means dying.

He loved her in silence for twelve years, for the only reason he didn't want to lose her, hoping one day he will speak up his truth. And now that he has, lost her, he resolves himself to seal his mouth until death will come for him.

.

.

When Donna sees her parents enter the room, she sighs, relieved, the sight of familiar faces smiling at her filling her heart. She burst into tears, as her mother pulls her into a hug, saying that everything will be okay, she'll be fine. And even if she doesn't quite believe it, it makes her feel lighter. Her father does the same, and she is glad to now have them in here with her. She is not alone anymore. Her parents are here to support her and help her understand, or at least she hopes so. She is still in the blur; the nurses and doctors wouldn't tell her if her results were good.

Since last night, she managed to assemble one piece or two, her brain and herself trying to work together to get the bigger picture, even though her subconscious doesn't imply to corporate.

It is 8:00AM or so in the morning, the next day of her awaking, and she has acknowledged:

She was hit by a car and brought to the hospital

Has been into a one-month coma

Suffers from memory loss

Should remember the lost guy

The year isn't 2002

She knows some other big news are coming, she is still Donna after all, some things never change. She has prepared herself to it as much as she could, but could you ever be really ready to face a reality you never thought possible?

Her mother strongly holding her hand, she listens to the doctor who has, after greeting her, started his medical speech. The nice, overwhelming and hugging atmosphere long gone. The sentence falls.

A sledgehammer. A guillotine. A knife in the heart. Anything edged capable of cutting flesh would be nicer to her ears.

_Twelve years._

A lifetime lived for nothing. She doesn't cry, she has no reasons to. She learns she lived twelve years she doesn't remember, might never do so, and she doesn't cry. She knows she won't be the one to cry most over it. How could she cry over something she doesn't know? She has absolutely no idea of what she lost, besides a number.

She is more in shock, and sad, for the people she won't ever recognize, people who love and care about her. She has one well in mind right now.

_Once again._

She just learns the news of her life, the biggest news and biggest battle she will have to fight in her whole life. But her mind is already focusing on him. That man.

Perhaps she thinks of him as an escape way, an easiest manner her brain uses to avoid the existence of her state. Her plan to divert the real fight here. She can't help it; he occupies her mind and thoughts as she starts to wonder what place was his in her life and in her heart during those lost years. Because let's face the obvious, he was someone to her, even a fool couldn't deny it.

She first would have gone with boyfriend, but as he does not stand here when the revelation of her trauma is made, she settles with… nothing. She settles with nothing. She has no idea who he is to her. And she shouldn't care, not for now at least.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?". Her father finally asks, thinking it was time to brought her back from the lost country of speculations she was in.

"Yes, dad, I'm… fine" she whispers, her weak voice still present.

"You're sure?" he presses.

She simply mimics a yes with her head, the same way a child would do.

She is so far from being okay, and as much as she is thankful for her parents' presence, she feels a hole in the chest, a hole she didn't have the night before, when he hold her hand, when he spoke to her. She felt whole, despite all she lost, she was whole when he was here.

* * *

**And that's it for chap 2! **

**Please review, always a good motivation for us!**

**Thanks to have taken the time to read**

**\- Fran ( newdarlin).**


	3. The Choice

**Hi Everyone ! **

**Chap 3 is here ! I finally got to write it down between uni and moving to my new town phew **

**As always i want to thank each and everyone of you who takes the time to read and review this story! Seriously it makes my heart and soul melt thanks so much guys !**

**I also want to thank Wika for her awesome beta-ing. U da best ️ **

**Please don't forget to review, even the smallest ones are always a nice gift **

**Good Reading,**

**\- Fran. **

* * *

_The Choice: _

It is almost time for the night to be replaced by the day when Harvey Specter enters his fancy apartment. It is a very nice flat, good furniture occupying the space, very smartly. Classy and neutral colours painting the wall, alongside with some rare pieces of art. All of it tasteful, screaming a bachelor lives there nonetheless.

One piece doesn't fit in the sharp atmosphere, however. Too small, too attention needing, and too cute to have been chosen by a quadra single man. Too feminine and too green for the liking of the space. A cactus.

He walks towards the kitchen counter, where the plant has found a place some years ago in one of her attempts to 'put some life into this condo', naively ignoring it was her presence adding that sparkle, not some greenish, pointy balloon like. His puts his keys next to the item, his drunken eyes unable to look elsewhere. He then decides to water it, hoping somehow the liquid will submerge the gift, alongside the reminder of her absence, praying for his action to cause the end of the plant and the end of his agony.

But he is a fool, thinking water could stop his misery. He has drowned and sank in both under water and alcohol the past two weeks, the pain being only bearable with minimum five glasses of scotch in the belly. It is not the man he wanted to be; the kind of guy too coward to face his troubles he has to finish three bottles of vodka before dawn to make it through the day. He is not proud of it, but here he is, a constant hangover on the face and watering a cactus at 5 in the morning because it is all his alter ego can think of to try to erase her.

He is losing himself captivating by the cascade flowing from the sink, hypnotised by the drops swallowed by the typhon, whishing he could somehow be one of them.

He stares, immobile for a good ten minutes, before he finally stops the water and puts the cactus, very drowned, back where it belongs.

That is when his alarm clock decides to ring, telling him it is normally the hour of the day he should get dressed and go for a run. Two months ago, that's what he'd had done, but now he just manages to carry himself towards it, turns it off and fallsinto a deep sleep mere seconds later, the fatigue and alcohol keeping him from taking, one, his clothes off and two, a well-deserved shower.

.

.

Mike does not have the keys of his boss' flat, that's why his former boss' boss stands next to him in the elevator, getting them up to the good floor. Jessica flew straight back to New York City when she heard about Donna, calling Mike and Rachel on her way here, and realising they have the same worry in mind, the same fear. Harvey. The pain and sadness they feel for their redheaded friend being put on hold as their concerns concentrate on him. They are all very aware of what Donna's missing piece in Harvey's puzzled life can cause, they've seen it, witnessed it, helpless facing the stubborn lawyer he was back then. Harvey Specter having panic attacks isn't something they want to go through again, knowing too well the powerless feeling would be too much for them to bear both towards Donna's and Harvey's situations.

Mike picked up Jessica at the airport at 8AM, and drove straight to Harvey's condo. He told her the bigger story. How Harvey was the perfect man during the one-month coma. Working like a beast, but never in his office, always by her side. The news didn't surprise Jessica at all, she always knew he would always stand by her side, and a proud smile went straight on her lips. The painting getting darker then, the smile fading away. Since Donna woke up and her state has been revealed, Harvey is ghost.

It has been two weeks since the awakening, and since then, Harvey stopped working at all, stopped showing any signs of life, stopped texting, stopped calling, and more importantly, stopped going to the hospital. Stopped. He just stopped.

Mike left him a week of bliss, a week to digest without interfering. But then he got worried and went to the condo only to find a cold and closed door. He remembers telling himself the prison's door of his cell was more heart-warming.

After hundreds of calls and texts, he decided it was enough, and called the artillery, Jessica.

The lady didn't hesitate a second before booking the first flight back to her law town. When she got in the plane, never in a lifetime she would have thought to have Mike describing to her a defeated Harvey. She had imagined him moving heaven, hell and earth to try and help Donna. She already had the perfect speech in her head for that situation, already getting prepared to face a bulldozer Harvey, the one you don't want to face because he would crush you without the tiniest hesitation, but the reality hits and hurts ten times harder. The reality in which he doesn't pick a fight, one in which you don't have to face him at all because he has given up.

She always told herself, if ever a trial of life would very unfortunately happen to Donna, Harvey wouldn't back down. He would stay alongside her, ready to fight the darkest monsters in her name, he would be right behind her, ready to catch her if she was ever to fall from the ladder of life. His love for her would be the reason he'd get up and punch fate. She convinced herself, if he isn't brave enough to tell Donna he loves her, it must be because he keeps his bravery somewhere else in their relation, a place they didn't need for 12 years.

And now Donna needs this courage, and the goddamn bastard goes straight in his eyrie, running for best hermit of the month.

He needs to have his ass kick and he needs it right now. And Jessica never fails to give what one's needs.

The machine finishes its ride up and Jessica walks out first, Mike not far behind.

Her trick and a few minutes later, they are in what was once a perfect tidy and clean condo. Now it just looks like a slum. Cloths and bottles corpses befriending on the ground, curtains down, a pile of empty and dirty glasses in the sink. Half-filled boxes of take away food, pizza and Chinese mostly, are also servicing as new decorations items on the kitchen counter, Harvey's desk and the coffee table.

Jessica moves slowly towards the couch, while Mike makes his way to the kitchen, neither of them believing the images their eyes send to their brains. The look of surprise and a hint of sadness on their face, both knowing Harvey's state is far worst that what they could have ever imagined.

A snore breaking the silent place, sparing the trouble to search for Harvey's corpse. Jessica releases a sigh she didn't know she was holding, both relieved and concerned. Harvey is here, but he is goddamn fucked up.

This time Mike takes the lead and enters the bedroom, only to find the same mess present in the living room. Harvey hasn't move an inch from the position he fell asleep in. Mike takes the time to look at him, a pathetic air in his pupils. He feels deeply sorry for his boss, the view before him seeming so surreal. A bearded Harvey, dressed in a jean, sneakers, a simple black t-shirt with a maroon jacket, classy yet dirty clothes, the smell of alcohol replacing his usual aftershave.

A casual, yet destroyed version of his boss lies before him, recovering from what feels like a long night of taking the plunge with scotch. He would want to be mad at him, for giving up, for not fighting and ignoring life, but the sight he witnesses keeps the sentiment away, only letting compassion and empathy filling his heart. He almost doesn't want to wake him up, the want to keep the pain away from him a few more hours as he sleeps taking over the need to help him.

Unfortunately for Harvey, Jessica doesn't see it that way. While Mike was gently observing his mentor, the lady fetched a vase full with withered flowers, tossed them away only to keep the water, water which now makes its way to Harveys bed. The entry of a storm in the bedroom would have had the same effect as Jessica's, her heels hitting the wooded floor, the container in her hand. Not taking any time to analyse the situation, she just empties the water all over Harvey, wetting him, his bed and his phone in the process.

The action causing the sleeping beauty to wake up, he almost falls off on the floor as he is taken by surprise, not prepared at all for a cold shower 3 hours after falling into Morphe's arms.

Sporting a satisfied smile, she speaks "Good. Now you're up" her tone all too serious.

Harvey tries to get his head together, his hand rubbing his face, tossing away the drops running down, he growls, "And wet". He slowly rolls on his back and sits on the edge. "Was it really necessary?".

Jessica doesn't bother to answer the question, she simply orders him to take a shower and get dressed, they need to have a serious talk. Harvey doesn't fight back, the will and energy all drained away. He – ironically - knows when a battle is worth fighting, and picking up one against Jessica all watered and hangovered wouldn't be his wittiest decision. He manages to get up and has his feet synchronised to carry him to the bathroom, opening the water, desperately hoping for the same fantasy his mind put in his head last night; his lungs full of water.

.

.

Fifteen minutes later, Jessica and Mike are finally joined by a much more Harvey-like guy than the one they left, even if he still wears that beard and alcohol face. Better than nothing. While Harvey was cleaning himself up, the pair did some cleaning in the kitchen, allowing Jessica to make some pancakes and Mike coffee, the latter rather unsure should he add the two famous splashes of vanilla in it, knowing all to well what the island flavour means for Harvey. He hesitated, but considering the purpose of their presence here, he went for it.

Harvey sits himself at the kitchen counter, where Jessica hands him a plate with pancakes and fruits, followed by Mike and the coffee cup. "Eat", she speaks with the voice of a mother. Not angry or overjoyed, neither sad nor happy.

Harvey takes the fork and does as told, oddly enjoying the taste of warm food in his mouth. He also takes a sip on his coffee, and of course immediately identifies the special savour. Although it doesn't bother him as much as he thought it would; the dose is not controlled meaning she didn't make it. It is just a bad copy of excellence, a failed attempt to make him act on his misery by trying to get under his skin through something only belonging to them. He wants to cut them off guard by being the one to bring up Donna but Jessica is faster. "She would be so proud", she says, her head motioning a 'yes' as her eyes land on the trash that is his condo. "So proud", she finishes with sarcasm.

Harvey stops eating and looks up, surprised by his mentor's remark breaking the rather comfortable silence they were in, he can't look her in the eyes, the shame and truth of the words hitting him hard.

Mike gets the idea and jumps in "I bet she would love to see the condo now, new déco, Harvey, it's quite cosy".

Jessica nods and adds "Also new look, love the beard by the way!"

"Yes, it suits you" Mike agrees, "The fifteen days hangover face on the other hand, not so well, I'm afraid old man"

"Speaking of old man, are you that aged you can't make it to your bathroom anymore? Do you need a secured chair?" Jessica's tone mixing joke and sarcasm.

"Oh no Jessica, we are missing the bigger picture here! Of course, it all make sense! He is manning up! The beard, the smell and the drinking. The guy is just getting his testosterone levels high up before getting back in the game!" Mike clarifies, his voice screaming the ridiculous.

"Goddamnit Mike you are right! It is so true and well known that, right know Donna needs a Neanderthal specimen to study to have her memory back".

Harvey watches the two lawyers make their show and clear in the blue mocking his behaviour, but he is past that. There is no word, no comment or insult they'll speak he wouldn't have lashed on himself. He already has punished himself for behaving like the Neanderthal they're describing, in fact he does it every day and every night when a tumbler meets his lips and he lets it enter his body. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her blaming him for having let her down, for breaking the promise, their promise, the one they made a long time ago. He, in two weeks, has reached this point, the point where he lives in disgust of himself.

When the news fell, he felt empty, because he didn't have a place in her life anymore – _she broke the promise first, she forgot about me, she forgot ME_ – he didn't have a place in the world anymore, because she was, is, his world, and she doesn't know it, not that she had any idea what she meant for him before her accident, he was too much of an idiot to tell her, but this time it is different. Before, she didn't know _how_, but she did know something. Now she just looks at him like he's the fool's village and belongs in a mental hospital.

So, he went back to his condo and drunk and drunk and sank ever since. And when he finally got sober enough to think, he came to the conclusion, her Almighty Donna Paulsen surely doesn't need a coward like him in her life anymore. He isn't enough, never have and never will, be enough for her. By not fighting for her now, he makes her a present in some way. He does know he is the reason of her misfunctioning love life, like she is his. He, purely out of fear and egoism, held her tight to him for twelve years, he offers her a chance to find a good guy, someone who will have the courage he never got and step up for her like she deserves. She deserves everything he never could give her.

She doesn't need nor deserves a coward like him. Too afraid to tell her he loves her, and too drunk to fight for her.

Donna doesn't need that kind of man by her side.

"She doesn't need me…", he whispers in a sigh.

His response gets to shush his friends, both turning to face him, hands on the kitchen counter.

"What do you mean she doesn't need you?" Mike says back in disbelief.

"Mike, she doesn't know who I am how could she need me?", his anger boiling in his voice.

The pup lowers his head, unable to find the words to fight the statement back. He lost the argument, the truth of it hurting more.

"She won't remember you if you keep hiding here like a bat" Jessica steps in, determined to change his mind on giving up, "Harvey you need to be there for her, you need to help her! You know what the doctor said. He said she needed to be in a familiar environment to help her brain reactivate her souvenirs".

"Of course, I know what the doctor said! Do you think I don't care about her to come here tell me what she needs?" he spats, not holding his anger anymore, his knuckles turning white as he holds the edge of the kitchen counter.

"Well it certainly not looks like you do care, Harvey!" Jessica fights back, her voice reaching his own, "And I didn't come all the way here to talk about her needs, but about yours! And right now what you need Harvey is a good kick in your goddamn ass because you act like the child you would have become without her, and trust me when I say you won't hear a lot from me, or from anyone in that matter, if you continue to act like that!" she warns. Not that she means any of it, she wouldn't be able to cut her protégé from her life, but she needs to make him have a click on his situation.

"Well then, you may leave right the hell now because as far as I'm concerned you're her family too, and I don't see you running to her bedside either, so why don't you get out of here and be there for her", his tone all too angry and accusing and hurt at the same time, his body mirroring his mindset, a pointed finger towards the entry of the flat while his feet carried him only inches away from Jessica.

The tension between the two becoming too much, Mike tries to cool it down and jumps in: "Guys, slow here would you! No one is leaving no one. Harvey, we came here to help you, but if you refuse and you want us to leave, fine we'll do but, we're not the enemy here" he reasons, stepping between the two, ready to fight like gladiators in an arena.

The words resonating in both their heads, realising who they were facing, the fighters took both a step back, Harvey turning his back and walking to the spot he was standing a few minutes before.

"Alright, alright, you're right Mike", then turning to Jessica, he mumbles, "I'm sorry".

"Already forgiven." She reassures him, "I'm sorry too" she copies.

"Okay, good. So now Harvey, why don't you tell us why you have given her up?" Mike tries, still wanting to understand his friend's behaviour. "Why doesn't she need you?"

Harvey sighs at the question. He does not want to talk about it, about her. He knows he needs to though, so he plays along, not seeing any way out of this conversation. "She doesn't need me, because she never did before." He pauses

"What do you mean?" Jessica inquires.

"She never needed me. I was the one holding her back. I'm the one not being able to be me alone. She is Donna, she is the most amazing and intelligent and caring and beautiful woman I've ever met. Without me, she is something, someone. She doesn't need me around her, being the burden, I was for twelve years. I don't deserve her, never have and never will. She sacrificed herself all this time, it's for the better she forgot about me. Now it's my turn to do her a favour by not holding her to me anymore." They listen to him in a solemn silence as he puts his guts on the table and opens up about his thoughts on his relationship with Donna like he never did before, none of them having heard any of it before this day.

Harvey finishes and takes a long breath, not really aware of what came out of his mouth, it just did without his will, when Jessica breaks the silence.

"That's the most bullshit thing I've ever heard in my entire life."

Both boys taken by surprise by the harsh statement, only Harvey dares to ask why when Mike only silently agrees with her.

"Harvey if it is really what you think of Donna, then you indeed better stay in here forever and leave her the fuck alone." She starts to explain herself, "The world isn't all about you and your feelings and your fear. It never occurred to you she might have stayed by choice? Because she wanted it, because she needed you too in her life? Goddamnit she cared for you more than any of us Harvey can't you just see that? Or are you that afraid of your feelings for her that you just throw hers away like they don't exist? You've never been this selfish in your whole life Harvey Specter! Twelve years ago, she chose to have you in her life, and she made that same choice every day since then, and now you're walking out on that choice. It doesn't belong to you whether or not she needs to remember you, it belongs to her, it is her life, Harvey, not yours! You've been a huge part of those twelve erased years, and she has the right, if she wants to, to know who she has been, who she cared for and what was her life like. But you are so selfish you didn't even bother to ask her. You want to do her a favour? Leave the woman the goddamn choice!"

She is out of breath, emotion starting to get to her, she has to stop herself here when she has so much more to say.

The more Harvey listens to her, and the more he realises what kind of jurk he is. Every word Jessica speaks helping him see the hidden side of the moon. He never thought Donna stayed because she wanted to, or maybe he has, but leaving in the fear of losing her faded that choice away in his mind.

All his feelings are blurry, and he is even more lost now. Lost because he wants Donna in his life, and want to be in hers. He also is afraid. Afraid of the situation. And of the sentiments and resentments their relation holds. Finally, he is trapped. Trapped between reason and heart, between future and past, between what is, what could have been and what never will be.

"And what if she does remember? What will she remember of me? Of us?" he desperately asks.

Jessica does the maths then: "That's why you somehow don't want her to remember you isn't it. You don't want to answer her questions, because you would have to explain to her what kind of idiots you both were, what kind of pain you put the other one through, and when she would realise it, she might leave you again, and you wouldn't bear it".

"But Harvey, Donna wouldn't leave you" Mike recites like a rule he would have learn, something always true no matter the context.

"She did though, left me" he cries.

"She didn't do it because that's what she wanted Harvey, she did that for you, because she wanted you to evolve. And when you did grow up, she came back to you" Mike recalls.

"You've known her too, you could help her without me" he tries

"We will, but not without you, she needs you more than she needs us" Jessica counters back

"Why?" his pleading eyes full or tears looking at the two people in his house

They both wear a simple, reassuring smile, aware they won, they brought him back into the fight. Jessica puts then an end to their battle.

"Because you are different".

The words getting through his chest, remembering each and every time he ever said that about her.

"Please Harvey, tell me you'll go see her?" Mike asks, so they're sure he won't change his mind.

"I will"

"Promise" Jessica adds.

He does as told and speaks, "I promise I'll go see Donna today."

"Good" Jessica grins, "But not today, she can't see you like that you'd scared her. In fact, you'd scared death itself."

.

.

_Six months post awakening._

"Donna, hi! How great it is to see you again"

She, of course doesn't recognise the blond woman walking towards her, her muscles tensing at the sight of her waves. She takes the few steps separating them, leaving the perfect 'we know but don't appreciate each other' distance between them, confirming to her the awkwardness empowering her chest is here for a good reason. Donna instantly feels uncomfortable around her, a strange hint of what she identifies as jealousy showing. Jealous, but why? They must have a struggling history, one not ending well, one ending in conflict with a victory for one of the two women. It is common knowledge after all, adding jealousy between two women only leads to a tremendous, peaky war where the only rule in place is the one saying there are none. And judging by the look on Paula's face, the gal isn't at all the winner. Now she needs to know what prize she won during the race, so she plays her new favourite little game: playing along, playing the person.

"I'm sorry I can't- "she gets cut off by the woman.

"Paula, Paula Agard" she states.

"Oh yes, of course! You were Harvey's". both words leaving the women lips at the same time.

"Shrink" Donna finishes

"Girlfriend". Paula corrects.

"That too", Donna nods, keeping the information in mind.

Paula goes on, avoiding the redhead last remark, "So, how is he?"

"He, he's fine! Still the best closer in the city, that's nice of you to ask". The redhead embarrassingly responds.

"Good, that's good", she smiles back, "and you?"

"I'm good too Paula" Donna smiles back.

All the hypocrisy in the world is in this conversation all but friendly.

"But if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend to, I need to go" Donna mentions as she starts to walk away from the blond enemy.

"Oh, of course, I don't want to make you late".

"it was nice to see you again Paula."

"You too Donna, have a good day".

Donna turns her back entirely as she sees the blond starting to do the same, coffees in hand, when she hears her almost shouting, "I loved him! I really loved him you know. More than you ever did.", one last attack before the end of the battle for today.

Donna is not even surprised of the remark, even if she is being honest, it bothers her. The sympathy mask down, she fights back

"Good for you. If only he could have loved you as much as he loves me." and leaves.

* * *

**Hope you liked it ! **

**Don't forget to review! **

**\- Fran ( newdarlin). **


	4. Fear

**Hi Guys! **

**Well, here's chap 4. I won't lie I got an author block syndrome on this one, I couldn't write a word for days and really struggled to get through. So, I really really hope you'll still enjoy it!**

**I also wanna thank each and everyone of you, taking the time to read and review this story. Your comments and enthusiasm blow my mind, I really don't deserve it. **

**THANK YOU**

**Special mention to Flavia and Zineb for supporting me and helping me and motivating me to write. Gurls ily.**

**And as always, big thanks to Wika, a person I'm lucky enough to call my friend, for her awesome beta-ing.**

**Hope you'll enjoy**

**Good reading**

**\- Fran.**

* * *

_Fear:_

The trio spend the rest of the day rearranging Harvey's life. Fixing the condo and his beard, tossing away every drop of alcohol, junk food or whatever item he used during the past two weeks. It takes them the whole day to put everything back in track, but ultimately, the condo, and Harvey, are here as themselves again. Of course, Harvey's tired face hasn't faded away, a whole week would be necessary for that miracle, but at least he is all sober up, something he hasn't been for too long.

It's past 6:00PM when they are finally done, and all feel the fatigue showing. Jessica still manages to cook them dinner, salad and omelette, a simple but needed real meal in Harvey's stomach. They don't bring the Donna topic during the meal, an attempt, failing one, to show him life hasn't stopped outside and no matter how it all end, he has to keep going. That's why Mike doesn't stop complaining on how organising a wedding is much more complicated than he ever thought, but seeing Rachel all excited about it makes his heart melt. Jessica fills them up on her new life in Chicago by the mayor's side, and how the young lawyer she's supposed to take orders from reminds her of a younger self. Her new life here suits her, but she misses her friends and family, telling the boys she is still waiting for them to visit.

Harvey tries a happy face, but he can't savour the lovely night, his mind already back to her. To tomorrow. Thinking of it, in all the years they've known each other, it's the first time they spend so much time apart, without seeing one another, and he realises how much his life miss her. He would love more than anything the circumstances of their separation were different. He blamed for years their situation to be a complicated one. He being unable to reach his love for her while she was slowly destroying herself with hers for him. That was a hell of a place to be, evolve and grow in as the team they still managed to become.

Now add her accident to the process, and you find yourself in a position making you regret your earlier one.

Harvey, in the course of his life, has rarely been afraid of the next day, the sun rising never worrying him. But today is different, the night will be rough, because tomorrow, when the shining star will start taking her place in the sky, he will find out if he still has his place in her life.

.

.

She's just finishing with her morning re-education exercises when she's told a visitor is here to see her. She doesn't hide her surprise when the nurse breaks the news, the only persons who came to see her until now being her family – mother, father, sister.

She goes for a quick shower before joining the said visitor in the hospital's cafeteria.

Her memory still gone, she only recognises him as her 'nice guy', the one who so gently reassured her the day of her come back, the one she incomprehensibly seems connected with. She hasn't thought much of him, mostly because she had a life to put in order, and before that, a body to heal.

_Him. What's his name anyway? _

To be fair she hasn't thought much of her memory loss, she doesn't want to. It is too big too soon, something too huge for her now. She doesn't want to make it real until she is forced to, and here, in a hospital, she has nothing to remember of, her only obligation is to make her body move the right way.

It's also why she is glad to have not been face to face with ghosts from a past she has no records of. Besides him, not a single person has come to her, therefor she hasn't hurt anybody by telling them she doesn't know who they are – _besides him._

He is patiently waiting for her, sitting at one of the tables with two coffees. He clearly is tired, and a little neglected, but she recognises his soft traits, the beard covering his jawline and his glasses covering his dark pupils. His fingers are playing with the note, telling her he's at least as much anxious as she is.

She slowly approaches him, not really sure if she wants to, but her feet are carrying her there anyway.

He gets up as he sees her walking closer. He feels his heart beating in his chest, beating so hard he's persuaded it wants to get out of his body. The sensation, landing eyes on her, is too familiar it almost feels foreign.

The strange paradox of their relation, knowing each other so well they almost share a brain and yet failing so miserably at sharing a heart.

He can't help but smile at her, the warmth sight of her red head and freckles filling his desperate self with a little bit of happiness.

She smiles back, she can't help it either, but seeing him happy makes her feel happy too, and so she smiles, ending her journey towards him.

She stops herself closer to him than she had planned, now feeling like a pure idiot, not knowing how to behave before him. Should she hug him? Great him with an 'hello'? Shake hands? She has no idea what to do, and apparently, he doesn't either, the same confusion showing on his face.

God two high school lovebirds going on their first date would have felt less uncomfortable.

They simply stare at each other's eyes, waiting for the awkwardness to fade. It doesn't so they giggle, looking down at their feet.

He's the first to cut the silence "Hey" he whispers.

She whispers back, "Hey"

"Hum, I…I brought this for you" he takes one of the cups of coffee and gives it to her, a shy smile on the lips.

"Thank you" she smiles back. She appreciates the gesture, but she already knows she won't drink it. There's only one way she drinks her coffee, and he can't have figured how, she'll only drink a sip, as a sign of politeness.

He invites her to sit and does the same. Their feet brush under the table now separating them. He takes his own cup of coffee and drinks on it. She mimics him, politely, and her eyes widen. It can't be a coincidence. It is too big to be one. He just can't take his coffee exactly the same way as she does. She could have made this coffee, the hint of vanilla hitting her buds as the liquid makes his way from her mouth to her throat. The sweet taste she knows being her signature coffee invading her brain like a drug. She's taken aback, having prepared herself for an undrinkable black liquor, without any sweetness in it.

He sees her surprise and his lips curl wider, happy of himself. He doesn't do that often, surprises her. Hell, he never does so, she is un-surprisable. And yet, here she is, looking at him with the most in-shock face she could have given him. All it took him to do that was for her to forget. Everything.

She feels the need to ask, she deep down knows the answer, she guessed it, but she needs to hear it, "I'm sorry do we- "

"Know each other?" he finishes, an air of déjà vu floating.

_He finishes my sentences too._

Not waiting for her to agree, he goes on "Yes, we… we do know each other. Or used to, I don't know…"

She can hear the sadness in his voice, the same sadness he spoke with when he abruptly told her she should remember him. But this time, he is calmer, more anchored into reality. The smile he was wearing mere seconds ago suddenly disappears from his face, and still for no apparent reason, this realisation makes her sad. Because he really has one of the most beautiful smiles she has ever seen. One full of true kindness, all caring and warming. He could light up the sun with that smile. _The 'I could play in Alice in Wonderland' smile._

She doesn't quite know how or what to answer, remembering she should know him too, but still has no clue of who he is or how he's named. Maybe, time has come for a proper introduction between past and present.

"Well in that case, let me re-introduce myself. I'm Donna Paulsen". She offers him her right hand to shake.

A smile giggle escapes him, for obvious reasons she really is the Donna from that bar they met in, moons ago.

"Harvey Specter", he replies to both the name and the handshake, the contact sending his hand on fire, her firm palm against his sweaty one, her fingers enveloping the back of it with such a touch, it makes him shiver. The whole being a bitter caress of reality.

"Nice to meet you Harvey" Donna says then, nothing more.

Harvey doesn't respond either, he's not meeting the redhead, and seeing her here isn't nice. It's just painful. He lets a moment pass, trying to figure out what words will be the next to come out of his mouth. Deciding banalities are always a good start for conversations, he asks "So, how's your re-education going so far?"

"You really wanna know?" her eyebrows frowning. She's harsh, harsher than she intends too, harsher than she uses to be with people. Also, more honest, she doesn't know why. _Again._ It's almost becoming a game to her. Feelings things and telling others without having any idea or meaning behind it. Her brain has this mechanism turned 'on' when he's here. He makes her feel at home, safe and secure, but there's something else, something _more_. She doesn't have her finger on it, can't put it there, and that is scarring her. Being so easy going with him, and yet having that whole dark area weighing around them, not visible at first sight, but clearly there nonetheless.

"I want to know if you're doing okay" he replies, showing no signs of surprise of her _almost _banter.

"I'm doing great, thanks. Actually, I'm going home in two days" she nods.

"Oh, that's a great Donna! I'm happy for you" and Harvey means it and Donna knows it.

"Thanks, that's really kind of you to say", she shyly responds.

"No need to thank me Donna, it's long overdue" his low voice betrayed the hurt he tries to hide.

They're speaking to each other, eye in the eye, and she can't ignore the broken spark lying in his pupils. She is facing a desperate man, she feels it, she _knows_ it. The strangest part of it being she doesn't know it because she's Donna, she knows it because she experiences it, through his gaze. That Harvey man is speaking her thousand words without opening his mouth, and she gets all of them. All the pain, agony and misery he is currently in, she shares all of it with him. That unspoken conversation they're having, he seems so familiar with it, so comfortable around such understanding between them. She isn't, perhaps have been, but isn't anymore, and it's freaking her out. He is freaking her out.

"How…how do you know how I take my coffee?", she asks almost afraid of the answer.

The question cuts him off guard, not quite the one he thought of.

"Because you're the one who made me take mine like this" he sighs.

She shouldn't be surprised by the answer, but for some reason is. She already made her special coffee for others, so he replying she introduced it to him is logical, but she somehow hasn't imagined him like the kind of guy who would remember details like this.

"I also know, you never eat the bananas in your Chunky Monkey" he adds, not really knowing why.

"That's…" she can't deal with that information, a true one, but a one saying they don't only share an emotional bond, they share more. "True" her voice higher in the tone.

He doesn't see her frightened face, avoids it, and goes on.

"I know your favourite food is French, more _le magret de canard_, favourite wine Côte Rotie"

"Impossible, I've never drunk a Côte Rotie before" she cuts him off guard, almost relieved to correct him, she finally knows something about herself he doesn't.

"You have" he corrects. "You also have a weakness for white chocolate, are allergic to hazelnuts and eat your strawberries with whipped cream". The statements falling from his lips, he recites them like a poem he would have learned a long time ago, some rules he would have to follow.

Donna listens to him, more and more weapon less against the harsh truthfulness of the words he speaks. The man she is looking at, that king, nice fine-looking man is aware of such tiny details about her life, some she even doesn't remember telling to anyone, others she thinks wrong, and yet believes right. Because he's sure of himself when it comes to her. there isn't an ounce of doubt in his voice as he's speaking, not the slightest. And she's confident he could go on and on about those life details for hours, correcting her and learning to her how she likes her eggs, or what ice cream flavour is her favourite.

"How… how do you know all this?"

That's the only dumb question Donna manages to utter. She knows how, there is only one way how. But her brain takes the lead, wanting to properly acknowledge the man she's facing isn't a stalker for some reasons.

Harvey doesn't thin twice before answering, "You".

Simple as that. And yet so complicated now. She isn't sure about how she feels regarding a man she considers a stranger knowing all those things about her. She is the reason he knows them, but isn't. The 'she', Donna is today never told him that, has no reasons to. She doesn't think, doesn't want to think and doesn't want to add complicated stuff to her messy life. And his look only tells her the past relationship they had is all but simple.

Add the fear she can't shake away; she needs to run from him. From what he represents to her now. He is the complicated, and messy and unknown past she lived in and should remember but doesn't know if she wants to. He represents what she has so successfully avoided during the last two weeks, a life made of choices she isn't sure are hers anymore.

"I'm sorry but I, I have to go" she abruptly says.

She gets up in a hurry, fear biting her in the ass. She is too afraid of what she will learn of her from him, of what she'll learn about what he knows of her. She isn't ready to face all of that now. She has such a pressure, no time to determine what she really wants, her proper needs being put aside by what she's expected to need.

Expected to absolutely wanting her memory back. 'Her' life back. Her job and her friends and her flat and all of it. Doctors and family telling everything is going to be okay with the only condition of remembering, as if she won't be able to live without a missing part.

Everyone seems so rushed about it. Like it would resolve everything. Having her memories back would erase her losing them, would erase the fear she has of discovering who she has become.

She feels trapped, trapped in one of those movies where the main character wakes up in an alternative reality, in his life, but a different one because of the different choices he made. And that's exactly what she fears, what if she discovers she made the wrong choices during twelve years. She is a woman with dreams and expectations of the life she has to live. She isn't sure it's a good time to know which choices she made. She isn't sure time has come for her to have all her dreams shattered into pieces. And above all, she doesn't want to be madder at her than she is right now, because she would be the only reason why her dreams haven't become her reality.

She needs to protect herself, shield herself for some time. Time to figure it all out. Harvey is just a collateral damage. She is sorry for him, knows she'll hurt him, but she puts herself first.

"Please, don't come to me again. For now." Are the last words she says to him before returning to her room.

He is too taken aback by her reaction to move or speak or simply react.

He is just empty. She isn't there, and he is emptier than he was before he came. Never thought it could be possible, he thought he had reached the bottom, but apparently no.

Putting his head in his hands, he cries. Of sadness and despair.

He sat there a long time, long enough for him to run out of tears. And when he finally got up too, he was fill again. Fill with madness and anger. Against hope. He would slap the shit out of this son of a bitch, because he was full of it when he came in, and as he is going out, her last words, _for now_, are giving him the same effect.

* * *

**Here's for Chap 4!**

**I know, poor Harvey, what am I doing to him…**

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Reviews are always welcomed **

**\- Fran (newdarlin)**


	5. The Reason

**Hey guys! **

** I finally got to write down chap 5, and I want to excuse myself for the big gaps between each chapter. I promise I'll try to make some efforts and update more regularly.**

**Also, for those who might read my other fic **_**Deal with it**_**, no worries, I intent on finishing it, finish all of my fics, I just lost the interest in that story for now, that's why there hasn't been a new chap for quite some time.**

**Before letting you go, I want to thank the few people who helped me and motivated me to write this down, I'm sure you know who you are! Love y'all**

**And as always, I wanna thank Wika for being more than an amazing beta and my friend. Luv u.**

**Good reading!**

**-Fran.**

* * *

_The Reason:_

Donna is finally authorized to leave the hospital and go home. _Home._ What is home to her anyway? Yet another question she doesn't have the answer to.

Despite the way the aching conversation she had with Harvey went two days ago – _went as in, I ran away because I got scared and overwhelmed – _it gave her a beginning of replies to what she, Donna, the lost woman, wants.

During those past days, she realised she couldn't let fear have its way with the last bit of control she has left on her life. _Control. _She wants to regain as much as control as she can. She needs to feel empowered again, begging to be able to make choices for herself as a human being. She craves for the sensation of it.

She also realised; she has none of the said control on her _none-life._ Those beautiful past twelve years a Donna had. _None-life. _That's how she calls them in her head, as if they don't belong to her, and in a way they do not. They belong to none-Donna. To the Donna who remembers what happened. And she isn't that person anymore.

A Donna at some point had a life. Fine. But she is not that Donna, and if she's being honest, she doesn't fancy to be her.

She sees it as her second chance, if her brain has chosen to take away from her some parts of her life, it may be because she wasn't in the good direction, she wasn't meant to be in this life, therefor this accident is her reminder, a little fate glimpse on helping her being on the right tracks again and living the life she's destined to. There must be some kind of reason, a cosmic explanation or some trick played by the universe to make her understand something. It couldn't have happened because it's simply life, is it?

From what she understood, she didn't make it as an actress, she gave up her dream for no reasons. Well, it is a start, she is a young woman with a dream, the dream to play in every Broadway plays, and to have her name engraved in a theatre. That is what her 27-year-old self wants. And that's what her 39-year-old will work for.

She makes the choice to not want to remember her life, being oblivious to it. Because the life she lived isn't the life she wanted nor wants.

That's how she regains control, by making choices. Hard, difficult and tearing choices. The ones she knows will affect her life forever. She is at a corner, a major turning point in her time, and so, she chooses…

She chooses to spare to everyone months, years, who knows a life-time of hopes, desires and faiths. Those she once knew in another life will be able to erase her just as she erased them from her souvenirs. She does them a favour by taking them now that fraudulent optimistic state of mind they all be stuck in, and keep fighting because of: _Hope_.

Hopping endlessly one day all will come back to how it used to be, to whom she used to be. All will come back to the normal they inhabited and grew around each other in. Well this is the new normal.

She goes for a rapid bandage take-off, putting them in a hard and terrible heartbreak now, rather than a long and slow burn relationship, a toxic one really, leading nowhere else but to hurt, by trying to remember them and see every day the light of faith in their eyes. She saw it in only one person, only _him,_ and she knows she won't be able to bare it. That little glimpse of belief will be too much, and just as she did with Harvey, she'll re-do it with all of them: she'll run.

All of them have enough pains to deal with, there is no need to add this one on top.

And if she's being honest, not knowing who she'll hurt, or how many persons she was close to, it makes it a hell lot easier for her. She doesn't know their names nor their faces, therefor there's nothing to lose, just something to obliviate.

She's gone from their lives now, and it is better this way, or so she tells herself…

She is choosing to restart, rebuild from scratch, try to have the career she wants for herself, has wanted ever since she discovered theatre, and fell in love with. Shakespeare, Molière, Marlowe and some other brilliant play writers she cherishes. Learning lines to become someone else, speaking their words for them, wearing their cloths, and moving as they would, all of it in the warm light of a theatre, the wooded floor under her feet and the applauses of the public towards her, the anxiety playing with her nerves mere minutes before and the dizziness bumbling in her stomach at the end.

She's drunk on theatre, she's a nerd for the complexity of words, and how one can play with them, the intricacy of languages.

That's what gives her goose bumps. That's what home feels like. That's home.

As she stands here, before the front door of the hospital in the cold morning air of New York, waiting for her parents to bring the car, she _chooses _to return to her very first love, to theatre, to the plays and to pretending to have someone else's skin on the back, not aware of what she might found _there_.

As she stands here, before the front door of the hospital she entered a month ago, she _chooses_ not to remember, to close the book, not aware of what she might miss _here._

.

.

As she makes her way through the busy streets of New York on this Wednesday morning, the little breeze hitting her red cheeks and her auburn locks shaped into a bun, Donna doesn't hide her excitement, the grin she wears since she woke up speaking for her. Her walk is fast, faster than her usual one, the impatience growing in the pit of her stomach with each step she takes.

Her parents were surprised of her new – _old? – _career perspective, but supported her nonetheless. She knows they're doing it because they don't want to go against her will, and hope she'll come around soon and realise she missed her call. Yeah, her parents' wishes aren't something she is able to avoid, so she's singing along with them and appreciate their gesture. They have been nothing but good to her so far, putting their differences aside to take care of her. Her dad is even sheltering her as we speak. He's not the best roommate, but he didn't hesitate a second when she shared with them her none envy to go back to her none-flat.

She's glad and thankful to them, even if now there is a gap between the family. Her reality being what it is now, she needs time to adjust and properly digest the world she acknowledges being accurate was in fact effective twelve years ago, but things have changed since then. She may have taken her life right where her brain left it, it doesn't mean its meaningful for everyone. It actually means its meaningful to no one else _but _her.

Her reality is one in which she needs to constantly question everything she thinks is right or wrong, needs to learn what still stands as a truth and what doesn't exist anymore.

You then can imagine her relief when she discovered the theatre company she used to be in, is still a real thing and still occupies the small place it always has.

Coming back to what is for her a familiar place is somehow reassuring and a good way to start.

And like that, here she is walking towards her future under the cloudy sky, coming closer and closer to that special home.

A mere minutes later, the theatre entry is finally in the corner of her eyes, calling for her to come in. She crosses the street, landing on the pavement, just before the two front doors. Posters of the plays currently playing are pinned on it and she can't help but notice none of their names ring a bell in her ears. On the left stands the ticketing, closed at this time of day. She stares at it for a time, taking a loud breath, allowing the air to fill her lungs, feeling every particle entering her body, and releasing them in the hope for a calmer state.

Donna dares to move then, remembering where the other hidden entrance is, the one the artists and actors use at night, to avoid the waiting crowd.

The little alley on the right side hasn't change a bit, the garbage still has its place, along with the graffities and paintings on the walls. Art is expressing it-self in every inch it can around here. She reaches for the door at the end of the lane. Despite what once was a wooded door now being paint in a dark blue with a massive red strip from up to down, the building hasn't lost its authenticity, still having that 70's charm and glamour she particularly enjoys.

Pushing the door, and entering the space, allowing her fingers to linger on the corridor as she spans it, observing the posters from past plays which got the chance to see the light of day under this roof, it makes her feel oddly nostalgic, almost as she goes through a tunnel of memories from a finished era.

But she doesn't give a chance to the melancholia shadow, longing behind, to catch her, as she arrives in the area deserving the performance halls. The class she's supposed to have takes place in the second one, and the doors are already open, waiting for the actors in devenir to come in.

Donna is a bit early, therefor she's the first to enter, slowly, allowing her feet to brush against the reded rug and her eyes lingering on the walls, taking it all in.

It's like she's seeing it for the first time.

The building may be from the 70s, but it hadn't prevented the hall to be designed like a Renaissance theatre, the one you may find in France or Italy in those really old and majestic buildings, or more so sculptures. The room is shaped in an oval way, letting the sound echoing against the black walls in the best manner. On the first floor, little lounges have been built on each side, and a balcony is delimiting the centre of it all. The seats are matching the floor's red, filling the air of a welcoming yet strong and charismatic aura.

She then climbs the three small steps leading to the stage, walks herself until she reaches the middle, close to the first set of chairs, allowing the white, almost aggressive, light coming from the spots to land on her face, making her a blind woman, to then slowly closing her eyes, picturing the hall full with people acclaiming the play and the performance she would have given in it.

She's dreaming, and she has goose bumps, all of her hairs leaving her skin to dress up in the air.

Lost in her thoughts, she doesn't hear the footsteps echoing behind her, still believing she's alone in the room.

"May I help you?" a calm and deep voice asks.

She gasps when the question reaches her ears, her purse almost falling on the ground as she startles, embarrassment taking over. She doesn't turn around just yet, but rapidly gather herself back together, taking a sharp breath before she starts to speak, letting the sentence forms into her mind.

She slowly begins to answer, her body turning around with the same rhythm the words leave her mouth. "Sorry I may be a bit…". She's now fully facing the voice's owner. "…early". The last word escapes her in a whisper.

Confusion is replacing her earlier embarrassment. She's somehow surprised, and yet not at all stunned to find out who she's facing. More, she recognises him. His hair has grown some grey, so as his beard, and some marked wrinkles can be spotted in the corners of his eyes and his forehead, but it's definitely Luke.

Luke was one of the troupe's member alongside Donna. They almost started together, only two weeks separating their entry. She, of course, remembers well his astonished performance in the play they did the night before her memory stops. She knows him as a funny, witty and simple man, a good friend, and for her it feels like they saw each other only a month ago for the last time, only their physical differences admonition she's wrong.

And by seeing the look on his face, he also has identified her, and is more so dazed by her presence here.

"Donna Paulsen", he states in a low tone, almost not believing she's really before him.

"Hi Luke" she replies with a smile.

"Long time, no see" he chuckles, coming closer to hug her. She lets him wrap his arms around her, his usual aftershave invading her nostrils. Well some things never change, he is still a hugger, and he still smells the same.

Finally letting go of her he goes on, "It's been what, eight years in the making?".

"Yeah something like that" she agrees, not eager for details.

"So, what have you been up to all this time?" he goes over.

Not at ease with the question, Donna decides the blurrier the better, "Not much really, and you?", hoping the conversation will go around his life and not hers.

"Not much huh", - _well that's a fail –_ he continues, "Still working for that Specter guy?"

And that is definitely not something she expected. She is baffled, because again, someone knows something on her she doesn't and it's getting on her nerves real hard, and then because the second person doing that to her brings up the first one who did. Does her world revolve around this Harvey guy this much? How does Luke even know about him? She doubts Harvey ever came to a place like this, he seems more like poker and car guy rather than a ballet and play one.

Although she decides to play along, not really ready to explain to him why she can't answer properly, "I…hum…I don't work for him anymore, no"

"What seriously? No Red I can't believe you, you left him?", he sounds more than in shock by her answer, and her instinct tells her there's some digging to do here. She knows she doesn't want to have anything to do with him, but her curiosity about this man and her past relationship with him has already been to much hit for her not to give it a try.

She then quickly makes up a story in her head, not caring if she tells the truth or not, "I left him, he left me… We just took different paths" she states.

"No way! When did that happened? I mean, I never thought you two would stop working together, like, you used to talk about him all the time! Or is it because you finally wave your rule and now, you're together, like together together?" a sheepish look on his face.

Donna laughs internally at the thought, the idea having already crossed her mind, but, "No, no it's not like that either. Last time I saw him was a week ago, actually".

"Well then, that's a news I wasn't expecting coming from you." he sighs in disbelief, "I remember, we all had a bet on you two! Like which boss comes to his secretary's closing night in a Marlowe play if it's not because he wants more than a work thing?" he jokes, and Donna's eyes widen, "We all thought you two would soon become a thing, even with your 'I-don't-work-and-date' rule… gosh you even quitted theatre for him! You of all people!"

Donna almost falls on the floor at Luke's words. She can't properly register the news, not trusting her brain and praying she got it all wrong. "I…I quitted theatre for _him_?" she inquires, the need for him to repeat his knowledge.

"Yeah, no one understood it to be honest.", a hint of deception in his voice, "You were brilliant at acting, bet you still are, and then we did that Miller's play, _Death of a Salesman, _you surely remember this one, that's when some Broadway guy discovered you and proposed you a part in his musical! Gosh I can't remember the name, hum, it was with that Cruella actress…"

"Glenn Close, Sunset Boulevard" Donna finishes, her mouth speaking for her, before she even has the time to think about it.

"Yes!" Luke screams, "That's the one! And you declined it, _for him_! Like, I'm still trying to figure out why you did, it was your big chance to make it in the game. I mean that was huge, _Sunset Boulevard, Glenn Close,_ that's not something you say no to. But the next week you came in and told us you were done with theatre, something that has to do with a work change, and you going to some firm, you surely have more details than me on this one. We didn't saw you for quite a time after that, you came back years later, wanted to act again, a trip down memory's lane, if I get your words right. Even brought one of your friends by the way! He's named Lucas or Louis I believe. Honestly it was good to see you on stage again." he finishes.

Donna's mouth drops wide open, having lost any coherence, not even sure if the digging she was so curious about was really the best move. Some truths are better when they aren't known, and him being the reason of her failing actress career is for now one of them. It hurts too close to home, it stinks too much, knowing she could have made it, knowing she could have reached it and embrace her dream.

This conversation, her not wanting to discover the choices _none - _Donna made, her will to stay unaware of the decisions she took, the fear of unearthing she disappointed herself. All of it helped her choosing to stay in the dark of this life. She was reluctant to it, and knows she didn't want to be angrier at herself by revealing what kind of adventure she threw herself in. She's as pale as ghost, now that some of the truth is in the light, the most important one, to her eyes.

All because of _Harvey._ The man she found the presence so calming when she woke up, the guy she felt an inexplicable connection with, that devoted person she was the most worried for, even more than for herself, the one she had a silent conversation with, just by looking into his eyes, their voices not needed in the process. Yet the one she ran away from because she got overwhelmed by his presence itself, and got scared of the tangled link she can't define. No wonder he knows her so well, it seems he's been in his life for… _ twelve years_ …

A coincidence?

Anger is also in the mixed of feelings here, added to an already profound bewilderment and disorientation.

She's mad at him too, because the bastard got her to resign, to leave the show, leave the light. She doesn't think he made her directly choose, she somehow knows it was all her making, all on her. But goddamn it, was he really that important she had to put him first, above her, and go work _for_ him instead of going to work _with _Glenn _fucking _Close?

Had he such a place in her life and in her heart? She never would have imagined something or someone could come before theatre before, and yet here she is, learning it happened, learning she broke up with her first love, and for what? A secretary job?

She hates that for herself. She hates him and she hates her for letting that to happen. What was she thinking for God's sake?

"Donna are you okay?" Luke shyly asks, not wanting to surprise her once more, but getting worried as she haven't speak for several minutes now, clearly long gone in her thoughts, her jaw still parted.

The question bringing her back to earth, she looks at him then, not trusting her shaky voice to speak. But she needs to reassure him, and herself a bit. She will have time for a full breakdown later. She puts on a smile then, and nods, "Yes Luke, I'm fine. Hum well it was good to see you, but if you'll excuse me, I need to go".

Luke wants to ask for more, not sure she's really okay, but the students are arriving and they're running out of time, the conversation needing a lot more than what they have now. He greats her goodbye then, "Good to see you too, Red. Hope you'll come back soon again, this place misses you! Take care".

Donna smiles back at him, and makes her way out, not in the mood to stay for an acting class, unfortunately. In the mere twenty minutes, she disclosed too much unwanted materials, the bit of control she thought on having back being ripped away as she finds herself lost again, tied between what her heart wants and what her instinct tells her to do.

She's finally outside, and it started raining. She thinks of taking a cab to go home to her father, but she feels like walking, hoping the rain could wash away any awareness she has.

.

.

It may has started to pour, but she doesn't mind at all the fresh drops of rain baptising her checks at the moment, letting her feet carry her wherever they want. She doesn't have a particular destination, and, after all, isn't it the journey that matters?

It is perhaps after twenty minutes of a rather relaxing walk; she notices the all too friendly sensation of bizarreness overwhelming her body. It has happened to her once or twice over the past few days.

Something the _none – _Donna used to do, an everyday gesture for her mind and body, and a feeling of old habit would show. She can't really place it properly, can't tell if she's happy or scared of it, but it's there, and she can't do anything but goes along with it.

That's why she isn't really taken aback when, eyes landing on a rather chic building, she feels like she's home. It doesn't wait to be confirmed when mere minutes later, she sees the caretaker reaching for her, greeting her, and asking her if she wants to come in as he hands her the keys to what she assumes being her flat.

She hesitates for a moment, but goes for it in the end, because if after all, it was the universe's choice to rip her off from her life, it's also the same universe who made her walk over here. And what pain could it do anyway, it's not like she has something to lose.

After taking a loud breath, she allows the keys to unlock the door of the flat n°206, and she's not going to lie, overcome the door feels like breaking into someone else's home. Her first steps in are hesitant, reluctant even.

But after taking a few glances at the condo's style, she can't help but agree on how it feels like… _hers._

Finally getting herself in properly, she really is in phase with the whole, whether it is the furniture, the wall's taints, or the decoration items, she does fit in this environment.

A quick look on the few frames disposed here and there makes her smile, as she recognises some familiar faces, despite being completely unaware to whom others belong.

Making her way from the living room to the kitchen, she doesn't hide her surprise when she finally takes the space all in, almost a proud nod escaping her.

What a hell of a place she lived in… It is a rather big condo for only one person, and in an expensive area of New York above all. The furniture inhabiting it with taste, not seeming to be cheap _at all_, same as the paintings hanging on several walls.

She returns then in the corridor, disserving what she assumes to be the bedroom, and she swears, if her jaw wasn't attached to her head, it would have met the floor in an instant. She can't believe what her eyes are seeing.

And she still worked as a secretary?

She needs then to have the explanation for the wall of luxury bags she's now facing, as well as one for the other behind her, covered of heels all costing at least $1500. And the dresses patiently hanging next to it following the same treatment.

She's certain every luxury brand is represented in this closet, a closet she dreamed of having, a closet she, in fact, has.

"Oh shit", she speaks to herself, this close to pinch herself to make sure she isn't imagining the whole scene.

That's when she spots it, the small box thoughtfully placed under a pair of Louboutin stilettos. She grabs it then, curiosity having the best of her, eager to discover what she could have kindly place her in another life.

She isn't surprise to find pictures in it, they are after all, the symbol of an immortalized moment, one you iced in time with pixels for the simple pleasure of admiring how time flies, and how one once was. So no, the content she retrieves from the box is definitely not why she's, once more, surprised.

It most certainly is, because on each and every one of them, she standing, fully clothed by one of the dresses she knows are next to her in this closet, before a Del Posto restaurant, a greenish smile on her face and a happy, content, look in her eyes. And next to her, all man up in the most exquisite suits she's ever seen, Harvey, holding her close by the waist, the same sheepish smile mirroring hers. Except he never looks the camera, he has eyes only for her, on every frame. And if she didn't know any better, she would identify what fills his gaze with this light as …_love. _

The thought of her being the reason of his radiant joy brings her a satisfying sensation, and to be honest, she enjoys it for a change.

She also notices, they are all annotated, but not with her handwriting, the quote always the same _**Donna & Harvey anniversary, because it is the day, I got to meet Donna**_, and the matching year following.

And she loses it, completely and wholeheartedly loses it.

.

.

She didn't think her life could get any messier than it already is, and yet, as she scans restlessly the likeliness of joyish moments shared between souls, she's feeling more torn apart than ever.

Why life is being so hard on her now? Why did she do to deserve such disorientation coupled with exhaustion?

She's stuck, caught up in the spiral of failure. Failure of understanding what truly is happening to her, failure of knowing how to properly act, and sort the complexity through.

Each day passing being harder to live than the one before, another wall added on her path, another dead end in her way. She never felt so trapped, like she's running desperately in a maze, and she's getting out of breath.

She calls her mother for help, letting her know where she can find her, the need for a shoulder to cry, and talk things over, bursting in her chest.

.

.

She doesn't know for how much time she stays like this, staring at them, unable to take her eyes off of his face. It feels like her brain is trying to engrave every detail in her head, the want to remember those souvenirs for ever.

She's stopped in her learning by the sound of the door being opened, and her mother calling for her through the apartment.

"I'm in the bedroom mom" she informs her then.

Clara makes her way through the corridor, until she reaches the door frame of her daughter's room, spotting her sitting on the floor, scattered souvenirs all around.

"Hey honey, are you okay?" she softly asks, coming to sit next to her, careful not to walk on one of the pics.

"Yeah I'm… I'm… fine" Donna mumbles as a response.

But her mom's look combined with her arm reaching for her shoulder is enough for her to stumble and finally letting go of the tears she tried so hard to swallow all day.

She tries to calm her then, "Shush, baby, it's okay, everything's okay" whispering in her ear, holding her close.

After a few moments, Donna is able to cease her cry, allowing silence to echo in the room once more.

The nod in her throat still preventing her to speak properly, she still gives it a try, "I…I went to the theatre today".

Her mom nods, already knowing that piece of information. She silently waits for her daughter to continue, her eyes now scanning what made her daughter cry in the first place. And what a reason it is…

"And, I saw one of my old mates there, Luke" she goes on.

"Oh, I remember him" Clara adds, "A rather nice guy if I recall well".

"He is yes, but that's not the point" Donna argue, her voice regaining confidence, "The point is, he told me why I gave up theatre."

"Is that a bad thing to know?" she questions.

Donna takes a few moments to respond, "I don't know if it's a _bad _thing, but it's surely not something I wanted to discover just yet. Not now."

"And why is that?" eager to comprehend what is holding her daughter back like this.

"Because it told me exactly what I feared…" she stammers.

"As in?" she inquires then, taking her interrogating role very seriously.

"As in I'm a stupid idiot that's what it is! A fucking stupid idiot who let go her chance for a brilliant acting career, and because of what?!" she lashes out, allowing her anger to show.

Clara gives Donna a moment to gather herself from her out bursting, before stating, "You know, you never told us why you quitted…" the hope to hear it from her mouth, even if, by judging from the pics surrounding them, it doesn't take a genius to find out he is the _why _to more than one of her question.

"I chose one work over the other" Donna summarises.

"So, it's that simple then" Clara agrees.

"I…" she starts, "I just don't get it you know. Why? It doesn't sound like something I would do; it really isn't!" she painfully shares, a wave of guilt hitting her, "I was good. I was pretty damn good at acting. I mean… it doesn't make any sense. I… I simply don't understand me…" she ends in a whisper.

"I wish I could help you Donna, I really do, but I don't know how…" she shushes into her ears, as she sees hope rises again, hope to see her stopping her denial state, and finally embracing what she lost.

Donna straightens up a little, coming back to her earlier position before speaking up again. "Why would I quite something that makes me alive, something I've dreamed of ever since I can remember. For fuck's sake it's the whole reason I came to New York! Why would I do that to myself? What happened to me?"

"Harvey" Clara chuckles then, being aware of her daughter's sentiment towards the cocky lawyer.

"What about him?" Donna frowns, having heard this name all too much today.

"Well, you asked what happened", Clara mimics, "He. He happened to you."

She's at a loss for words, something she's not experiencing often. After a few attempts, she mumbles then, "What does that even mean?" her impatience and angriness showing.

"It means" she begins "That, if he is the reason you conceded your chance in the acting business, and chose him over you, it surely is because, something shifted in the between" Clara lets out.

"I didn't tell you he was the _why…_" Donna fires back, a shy smile on her lips.

Her look for her saying it all, it doesn't keep her from speaking her truth, "Never in those terms no, but I saw some signs over the years… those pics facing us being one of them", motioning over her earlier discovery.

"What are you saying then?", she speaks, hopping for some kind of logic.

"What I'm saying is" Clara slowly mouths, "You didn't choose a work above another, you chose a person over a dream." she smiles, whipping away the tears running on Donna's cheeks with her thumbs, "And if I know you well, it tells me two things. First, Harvey Specter is one hell of a lucky bastard" Clara jokes.

Donna joins her, the laughter lighting up the mood a bit, before daring to ask, "And what's the other thing?".

"If you really gave up everything for him, as I believe you did, don't you think it's worth knowing why?" she reasons.

Donna lets out a shaky breath at her mom's words, falling in her arms again.

Not sure if she made her case just yet, she tries her last asset, "Donna, sweetheart, you want to regain control, being able to take the right decisions. Well what if it means, you first need to understand, _truly _understand, why you made that choice? I mean, it really is the most important decision you ever made, and right now you're just angry at yourself simply because you don't have all the cards in hand to fully comprehend it. Don't you think you at least owe that to yourself?" Clara almost implores.

The tears are freely falling on Donna's cheeks, as she agrees with every word dropping off her mom's mouth. She does, owes it to herself. She does think she's worth a chance to explain her move back then. But she knows to whom she needs to go for answers, and she isn't sure she's ready to face him just yet, or so she shares, "I'm not ready".

"No one ever is… but you being here, it tells me than you're readier than you think. You just need a little push" she reassures.

"But what if he doesn't want to see me, what if he doesn't want to help me?" she worries then.

"Then he's more foolish than I think he already is" she greets her, "but, if I judge by the look on his face right there, and there, and there again" her index pointing Harvey's complete dazed face, "the man surely is agonising as we speak, not even letting himself hope for you to show up at his door. By me, you would do him a favour."

Silently agreeing, although she feels fear biting her in the ass, she hugs her mother once more, thanking him in the process.

"Anything for my baby girl".

_._

_._

_The next day._

She doesn't think she has ever been this stressed before, being only one knock away from her past life.

She also never recalled being this, out of her game, as you could name it. Donna has always prided herself, because she has that superpower. Her empathy always allowed her to be one step ahead from people, she can read them, understand them, and always has an idea of how a conversation will turn.

And yet, facing the door of _his _apartment, she has never been more clueless on what to expect. After all, giving their last time together, she's not even sure he will want to see her, speak to her, even less being okay with helping her reconnect with her memories.

She may have already recovered some souvenirs, like the big play she gave up for him, or the address of her own flat, but there is still some real work to do.

She was really harsh on him, on all of them, she realises it now, but she hopes, begs for him to give her a second chance.

And so, not letting another second pass, as another chance to cave in, she lets her knuckles hit the white barrier three loud times, and wait.

Wait what feels like a life time, before she hears movements on the other side. Then, the door swings wide open, and her gaze meets his.

His pupils are wide open when he realises who he's facing, his jaw dropping as a proof of his perplexity.

"Donna…" his voice beaks out, the same one he used weeks ago at the hospital.

"Hi…" she sighs, her voice almost as shaky as his, "Can I…Can I come in?".

* * *

**I would love to know your thoughts on this one!**

**Hope you liked it!**

**\- Fran ( newdarlin)**


	6. The Other Time

**Well hello guys! **

**And I'm back very much sooner than I intended to, but I couldn't let you in the dark for much longer after the end of chap 5, could I?**

**First, though, I wanted to thank each and every one of you, who took the time to read this story, fav, follow and reviewed it. Each notifs were a blessing. Some of you made me cry, and your investment in this story blows my mind, I never thought anyone would care when I started writing it.**

**I'm so thankful to you, I could never repay. Love you all.**

**Also I know where the story goes, but I have no idea how many chaps it'll have… at least 4 more for sure! **

**I also want to thank the persons who supportively helped me through the lil break down I had while I was writing this chap, you guys are gold, I never could have done this without you. I'm so glad this fandom brought us together. **

**Because yes, I'm fuckin' anxious and stress to deliver this chap to you, I really hope I won't disappoint you with it.**

**I tried my best, or I think so…**

**As always, huge thank you to my amazing beta, Wika, still here when I need her, and always cheering me up when I need it. This fic wouldn't be here without her. **

**I'd love to know what you think, so please review**

**Good reading**

**\- Fran.**

* * *

_The Other Time:_

He's sipping on his coffee, dressed in only his boxers, simply enjoying the view over the New York skyline his penthouse has to offer. This is Thursday, and he should already be in his office, but something didn't feel right, something held him in his bed this morning. And since he doesn't have a big work day, no urgent cases or crazy clients on his back, he, for once, didn't went out for a run but cooked pancakes and took the time to dive into the day.

He hasn't told Louis about his plan, but he knows, or at least hopes, the man is more than capable of handling the firm for a few hours without him.

His certainty is challenged when he ears someone knocking on his door. Sure as hell he's going to face his colleague, all tensed up and yelling, Harvey gladly takes all the time in the world to puts his cup of coffee back on the kitchen counter, and doesn't bother to put some pants on either, the satisfaction Louis' face will bring to him too huge for him to let it pass.

Making his way to the door, his hand on the handle and eyes down, he unlocks it, and swings the separation wide open.

But it is not Louis on the other side. It's _her_, all flesh and bones, standing right here in front of him, like the goddess she is. Harvey's throat and mouth go dry right away. Air can't make its way to his lungs, as something as natural as breathing is for now the hardest task in the world. His heart skips a bit only to start beating stronger and stronger in the inside of his chest, his jaw ready to fall and his brain lacking of oxygen and coherence. The sight is so surreal, so unexpected, so unbelievable.

At this very instant, Harvey is praying every God who dares exist, for her not to be a dream. And if it is one, he'll kill the one trying to wake him up.

No one knows which strength allows him to utter sounds at this particular time, but her name rolling off his lips is both a blessing and a curse, a bitter sweetness.

"Donna…" his voice beaks out, the same one he used weeks ago at the hospital.

"Hi…" she sighs, her voice almost as shaky as his, "Can I…Can I come in?". He crosses his eyes with hers, and while his are full of incomprehension, hers are fill with _hope_.

"Yeah..." he breaths out, "Yes, of course". He moves to the side to let her go from the coolness of the corridor into the one's of his apartment, his grip on the door holding himself steady.

Donna thanks him, making her way into the living room, her hazel pair of eyes scanning the new environment.

It takes a moment for Harvey to lands back into reality, the only smell of the fragrance she left behind telling him he is not dreaming.

He's not far behind her when she slowly walks towards the living room, and he can't take his eyes off of her. Fuck he missed it, her.

The simple act of landing eyes on her, observing the curves of her face – nose, cheeks, lips – as the ones of her body – breasts, back, hips –

He missed her hair, those dangerous flames smelling like vanilla, that burning fire Harvey knows will hurt his hand if he'll caress it. He missed seeing her walk, her body's sways using the curves in all the good manners, the ones driving crazy. The sound of her voice, that particular tone she has, a deep one, deeper than one could expect coming from a woman, almost cracking when she utters an acute sound. That calm and relaxing way to speak, the kind of voice Harvey could listen, had listen, and missed listening to. A voice of reason. A voice of truth.

The voice of heaven, the simple and yet so mesmerizing voice of the woman he loves.

He also notices she's not wearing one of those fancy dresses of hers, but a simple dark blue jean, black woollen sweater with tawny oxford shoes. A casual, yet very chic side of her he never gets to witness, and his body tells him he loves it. That's when he also notices he's basically wearing nothing but his underwear.

Always right on time, this is the moment Donna chooses to turn to him, her gaze inevitably dropping to his showing problem.

She blushes at the thought of being the reason for this sudden hardiness, albeit thankful women's arousal is easiest to hide, because the sight before her sure as hell elicits something in her lower stomach.

Neither of them wants to make a big deal out of it, not really sure it is the best way to start whatever conversation they're about to have.

She takes her eyes back off him, and shyly proposes, "You…you probably should, well, go put something on there"

Harvey's uncomfortable position having the best of him, he takes a minute to register she spoke to him.

"What?! Oh yes!" he chuckles, "Be right back".

She simply nods in response, enjoying his little discomfort, finding it cute coming from someone that charismatic.

While she waits for him, Donna takes the time to observe the flat, looking at every detail possibly in a position to help her understand who she's facing. The place is big, bigger than hers, surely a mirror of his man's pride, the view over the skyline topping every other building confirming the guy is a cocky winner. The furniture is cold and sharp, not really a cocooning ambiance, and yet she has the feeling he didn't pick one himself. The whole being to sophisticatedly arranged to have been picked up by a man. No flashy colours on the wall, adding a strong personality to the place, matching his own she doesn't doubt. She lingers a moment on the kitchen counter, finding here an item which surely doesn't have its place, and yet perfectly complete the style. A cactus, a very healthy little cactus.

The woman in charge has done one hell of a job, she thinks to herself.

A few minutes later, Harvey is back in the room, and frankly, he's surprised, but mostly relieved to still find Donna here, a part of him afraid she might have freaked out and left.

But no, she's still right there, not far from him and yet so out of reach. He has so many questions going on in his head, he can't pick one.

They have no idea what to say to each other, none. It's on repeat again, the wait for the awkwardness to go, both waiting for the other to start, both avoiding the elephant in the room.

Donna is the one taking the plunge, "So…" her voice betraying her none assurance.

"So…" Harvey mimics, the same trouble in his.

"Nice apartment" she compliments, eyes avoiding him.

He notices she also went for banalities as a way to break the ice, same technic he used during their first encounter, and he smiles to himself remembering he got the tip from her.

"Thanks" he accepts, arms akimbo.

"I like the cactus" she points then, totally ignorant she's the 'mother' of the said plant.

"Yeah…", not even surprised, "I'm sure you do".

As he responds, Donna starts moving around a little. She adds then, "Brings a bit of life into it. This place may be nice, but it surely doesn't have a soul". She looks back at him, and she's relived to find a bit of happiness in them. It gives her confidence to pursue here, delaying the moment a bit more.

"Oh, is that so? Aren't you a bit harsh against the deco here?" Harvey playfully banters back

"I'm _never _too harsh" Donna states. He mumbles an "I could argue with that", flashbacks of her hand firmly gripped around his shaft flooding back. Donna doesn't notice it and goes on, "Even if I must say, you do have taste. Or should I say, your designer has".

Harvey's heart warms a little when he sees, even with their _situation_, they are still the same, the banter never too far away.

"She does" he confirms, biting his tongue to keep the words 'you did all this' coming out from his mouth. He doesn't want to scare her. After all, this inability of him is what cause her to run away the first time, and he really, really doesn't want to make her run away.

"By the way, how did you find where I live?", he realises then she isn't supposed to know the address anymore.

"My mom", she explains, "Apparently, you let my parents stay here when they came visit me one time, so she had your address registered in her phone"

"Oh" the event coming back into his mind, "Yes, right, I remember that".

Donna continues her tour, when she lands eyes on a quite ridiculous object. _"That_ statue on the other hand" she says pointing the questionable wooded silhouette near the fireplace, "Is a huge mistake sir! Where on earth did you get it?".

"Hey", Harvey speaks out against her, protectively moving before the object, "Don't you dare insult Jake", mockery all over his face

"Oh my god!" Donna burst out laughing, "You…You named it?!" she says out of disbelief.

Fuck it. Yes, he missed making her laugh too.

"And what if I did?" he retorques with the most devilish grin.

"Well, in that case" Donna starts, regaining a bit of composure "You're more sentimental than I think".

"So, you think of me?". The question naturally falls off his lips, because it would be the one, he'd ask if he was having this convo with a 'normal' Donna.

Donna frizzes a minute, surely not prepared for where this is going. She almost is impressed by the man. So far, he made her feel a range of emotions she never thought could be possible, making her laughs even in the most awkward situation. Going from banalities to seriousness within seconds, but never too fast for them to be lost during the two times they saw each other.

He's a mystery to her. And even if she's never been more afraid of what someone could do to her, she's loving every second of it. She loves the energy in the room when she's around him, whether she is aware of it or not.

That's why she doesn't back down, and chooses honesty, "As a matter of fact", she licks her lips, "I do, yes". She is looking for his gaze to meet hers, and when the finally lock, he sees she isn't joking anymore, she really thought of him

The game stops, and the gravity comes back. "I am…huh… surprised", Harvey declares with sincerity, "Since your reaction at the hospital the other day…", not a once of reproaches in the voice.

"Yes, about that", Donna quickly speaks, "I wanted to apologise, "You were being nice to me and I treated you badly. I want to say I'm sorry for it".

Harvey gets where she wants to go with those apologies, but "Donna you have nothing to be sorry for, absolutely nothing. And I never want to hear you say so again." It takes everything he has in him, he fights every cell, to not go closer, to not take her in his arm and reassure her like he so badly wants.

That reality, he didn't miss. Fighting the will to touch her, never being able to burn under the sensation of her skin besides his. Their unspoken rule of minimum contact, that part, he really didn't miss.

"In fact, I'm the one who should be sorry" he starts again, looking at her with puppy eyes, "I acted like a fool, I didn't want to scare you or anything, I was just not…" he stumbles, not knowing what word could justify his past reaction.

"You got overwhelmed" she, of course, finishes for him, "Don't worry about it, you have nothing to be sorry for either." Donna reassures.

He chuckles, "Yeah I suppose so… even if to be fully honest with you, I never thought I'd see you again…" the pain still vivid in his heart.

Donna knows he is still bleeding, the already deep wound opening a bit more each time she speaks to him, "To be fully honest, two days ago, I never thought I would see you again either…"

They only see each other, they see the pain and hurt feelings of their situation surfacing more than ever. Their irony being they are, to one another, both the poison and the antidot. Their presence calming them by making them on fire.

They are irrevocably attracted to one another.

"You're wondering what changed to make me come over here, don't you…" Donna half states, half asks.

Harvey nods, "It has crossed my mind, yes"

Donna hesitates a bit, not really sure what to say, where to begin. He is right in front of her, they are right in front of her. The answers to so much questions she has come up with after her mother departure yesterday.

When her mother left, she authorised herself to wander into a land of hypothesis, on what her life looked like, of what kind of person she became. Who she loved, who loved her? What work did she had, and who was she friends with…?

She spent the night in that fancy apartment of hers, tried to sleep but failed restlessly. Once fallen into the spiral of interrogation, she couldn't get out and as she stayed in the dark, of both her bedroom and of her past life, she found herself angrier than ever towards life. She really needs for the fog to go out of her brain, she needs answers to move forward.

She is so close to them, and yet, she gets frustrated because, getting them doesn't lie on herself, but on him. If for some reason, he doesn't want to give them to her, if he refuses to help her, she'll be stuck. Stuck with madness and annoyance.

With all those doubts in mind, she gathers her courage and prays for her voice not to stumble, "I…I need you".

This woman will never stop impressing him, never being where everyone expects her to. Always asking the right question, even when she doesn't have the full story. He's more than astonished by her interrogation, he's impressed by such directness, such straightforward going.

He's losing his words, the sentences unable to form in his brain nor his mouth, "Ne…Need me?" he repeats, "For what?" he asks in despair.

"I need you to help me understand _me_" she clarifies.

"What? Understand you? I… how?" Harvey's blunt face not fading.

Donna gets frustrated a bit, knowing it isn't fair to blame him for asking, but she doesn't want more questions, she wants answers. She tries another angle then. "Who… Who are you…? To me I mean…"

"Who…am I?" Harvey parrots, sure his brain looks like jello at this very moment.

"Yes, who were you to me, before? What was our relationship like you know?"

"I…I don't know how to answer that…" Harvey honestly speaks, his eyes showing how complicated it all sounds.

How could he properly answer, how could he tell now what she means to him, what place she holds in his life and in his heart, without freaking her out? Does she really want to know? Is she ready to know?

He can't. Now is not the time to tell her she's his everything. He craves for her to hear him say it, he is more than ready to act on his feelings. What he never thought as a possibility was, Donna learning them and not having their background in mind when he'll speak his truth.

They always had a bad timing, haven't they? This is ridiculous to say the least, how irony is toying with them. How life brought them together, them, the two people meant to be together more than anyone else, and yet never allowing them to become the other's better half, keeping them at bay and torturing their hearts. Donna suffered first, during the last decade, now Harvey's time has come.

"Why are you asking me this now?" he mutters then, the will to know what changed.

She gets thwarted once more, but understands his question. The poor guy must be as lost as she is. The frustration fades away as fast as it came. After all, having a person in your life for over a decade and seeing that same person rejecting you on the only grounds of fate mustn't be something easy. She needs answers, and obviously she's not the only one.

She dives then into the explanation, "Well, for a start, yesterday I went to my old theatre company, wanting to follow a class there" she starts, her voice not as broke as before, "And it happened that the teacher is in fact one of the guy I used to play with.". Harvey isn't sure he knows how all of this is related to her asking him who he is, because if there is something, he doesn't know much about her, it's her life before the DA's office, and in her acting classes.

She goes on, "He was surprised to see me there, as you can imagine, and the first question he asked me was if I was still working for you", she elaborates, as Harvey's eagerness for the rest of the story grows with each passing second.

"When I told him I didn't anymore, he was stunned, because apparently we were quite the pair" she smiles, and he does the same, the vivid memory of them as that power couple surfacing once more, "And also because I chose to give up my acting career to follow you when you went to work in some fancy law firm…" she finishes.

As Harvey thought he had his fair amount of shock for a life time, there he is frozen at her words all over again. He had no idea…

If there is something Harvey knows for a fact on Donna Paulsen, it's her love and devotion for theatre. He knows how deeply alive the stage makes her feel, and he remembers well the conditions she sorted out when she came to his desk: she was going to be an actress, therefor she'll need to be able to escape for auditions whenever it'll be required.

She never was supposed to follow him to what used to be Pearson Hardman, and yet she said yes when he asked. When he innocently demanded her to stay at his desk, he never wondered on what she would be giving up. For him, it was simply saying no to a romantic perspective goaling to keep her around in the work environment, where he knew he wouldn't screw up their already too special link.

And here she is, not remembering any of it, and yet revelling to him one of their turning point was made over her putting his career above hers. She could have become what she wanted from the beginning, and yet she chose to stay a simple legal secretary, the best one any firm as ever seen, but a secretary nonetheless. For him.

That information alone gives him answers he only dreamed of.

He knows Donna, more than once put him and his needs above hers. But this choice is the one showing the importance she gave him in his life, even back then. So firstly, he's flattered, touched, and happy. Because he now knows for a certainty, he means as much to her as she means to him. And combined with her kissing him the night of her accident, well, it can only mean she felt something, right?

But then it strikes him… and that is not a wave but an entire ocean of guilt washing over him.

The timing of her quitting theatre, and agreeing to come work for him, he can't believe it. He was such the self-centred, and hypocrite guy back then. He can't stand the idea of him caving in, and what his fear of commitment made him lose that morning in the diner. She wasn't out of reach, she was just there, he could have had her, if only he had the courage to ask for her. She could have been his all along.

But instead of taking the plunge into the pool of a full life, instead taking the risk for something greater with Donna, he only settled for crumbs of the time he could have had with her.

And that's the most selfish decision he ever took. Because he just didn't ruin his life, he also ruined hers…

They slept together, allowing their sexual tension to finally explode. Venturing down the road of chemical attraction, letting their bodies meet, fill and complete one another like nobody else ever did before, and like nobody else ever did after. Their alchemy doing all the job, they reached a level of connection, one of a kind, the one you only get to have if you're ever lucky to find your soulmate.

It was more than just sex. It was more than two people yielding for their physical attraction. It was the creation of what will rule them for the rest of their existences. It defined them forever.

Harvey realises it now, their decisions mirroring what they found out during that night of bliss, revolving of the true meaning of it.

Harvey found out, he could never live in a world she isn't a part of. He had to keep her in his life no matter the price, her presence as no more than a friend bringing up less pain than her absence.

Donna, she, discovered something worth so much more than what an acting career, could ever bring her. She found herself in him, whereas she loses it when she plays, here, coming undone from his ministrations, she found herself. Her through him, that's what she gave up theatre for.

Now Harvey has another choice to make, whether to tell her or not. He indeed has the beginning of a response to what made her stay, but how is he supposed to explain it to her. She is going to ask for a very complete explanation, but he doesn't have a clue on where to begin.

To be honest he isn't even sure he'll be able to explain it to her, because he can't put words on it himself. Their relationship, and what comes with it, is so unique, so rare, it can't be define. Even living it brings you struggle on how to qualify it.

He owns her the truth, he knows that. But he wants her to find about it when she'll be properly ready. For god's sake, the simple fact on him knowing idiot things on her got her to cut him from her life. He can't risk that again.

Because you never learn from your mistakes, his mouth is sealed once more, for now at least. He wants to prepare her for the bomb which inevitably will be dropped on her someday.

But, if he is honest with himself, he also does that out of self-service, a move to keep her around. She wants answers, and she came to him for them. But nothing tells him she'll stay if she gets them all right away. They haven't discussed on what she wants to do now, if she wants to come back _permanently _in their lives. Therefore, by not giving her all, she has to stay with him a little longer, perhaps long enough for him _to make her fall in love with him all over again…_

As all of the dots connect in his head, he's brought back to the moment by Donna's voice, who clearly doesn't miss the confusion she just put him through, "You didn't know that, did you".

Harvey looks back at her then, "No, no I didn't." he agrees, "You…hum, we didn't, talk much about theatre back then… I'm sorry Donna", he sighs.

He wants to hold her gaze, but lying to her is already hard enough, "I'm sorry for that, and also for… having ruined your career. I know how much it meant to you".

Donna immediately corrects him, "No, please, don't put that on yourself.", her empathy for him knowing no boundaries, "_I _made took the decision, I'm the only one to blame here", her feet carrying her closer to him, her hand landing on his forearm. It lingers there more than it should, the unexpected gesture giving Harvey goose bumps.

Donna breaths loudly then, hope fading away, "To be honest, I… I was expecting you to… I don't know. Apparently, you seem to know me, and I guessed that… I just hoped for you to have all the answers about my life… I just need to understand why I did what I did." the smile of deception forming on her lips.

Harvey laughs at the surreal scene. It's a small, little sound of dizziness. Donna Paulsen, the mind reader being clueless, thinking he, Harvey Specter has all the keys to her brain. "I'm sorry I don't… You've always been a mystery to me Donna" he shares.

"Is that so?" she isn't expecting that kind of revelation, but she's happy about it though, glad he feels comfortable enough for it.

A warm aura embraces them then, their behaviour around each other never being anything but easy, "Yeah, you're the one who always know everything, I mean how could you not, you're Donna".

The recent events are making her doubt herself more than she ever did, her question falls before she even registers it, "Am I though?"

He's not used to see her so lost, and his heart breaks all over once more, "Of course you are. Why would that ever change?", he puts all the reassurance of the world in his voice, "You can't change what you are, no matter what you lost".

She dares eyeing him, afraid of the intensity of their connection once again. But when their gaze meet, this time around she doesn't back down, letting the deep connection consume her. His words being drugs to her, she wants to believe he's right, knows he is.

Their silent conversation puts her in a safe place, she feels shielded, protected from what could attack her, that's what his eyes do to her. She swears she could see his soul in those dark brown oceans. She would gladly drawn into those oceans.

She was going to speak, but he's faster, "I may not be able to give you the answers you need, Donna, and I wish I could. But I might know someone you possibly may have open up to". He stills wants her to think he's useful, absolutely unaware the person he sends Donna to, also holds the piece of information he chose to hide from her. A person also capable of connecting the dots.

"You might know someone," she asks, not really convinced.

He nods, "I do. Her name is Rachel, Rachel-".

"Zane" Donna ends for him, the name falling of her mouth as a reflex. She sees Harvey's eyes widen, and answers his unspoken question right away, "It happens sometimes, I say things I don't remember knowing or something rings a bell in me where I in reality have no record of".

Still dazed, Harvey goes on, "I see… well Rachel is, was, your best friend. You two are really close. She might have what you need. I can give you her address if you want" he proposes then.

Touched by his nice gesture, she positively responds to it, "Yeah, yeah I would like that… Thank you Harvey".

"No need to thank me Donna, I'm happy to help" he almost whispers, relived she agreed to go see Rachel. Because of what it possibly means.

It may be a first step for Donna to come back into their lives, and there's nothing on this planet earth he wants more.

* * *

**Here we are for the encounter between the two, I guess…**

**Hope it didn't disappoint you, I did my best, or I hope so!**

**I would very much like to hear your thoughts on it, please review **

**\- Fran ( newdarlin).**


	7. Come and find out

**Hello everyone! **

**Chapter 7, here we are!**

**This one is a bit different I think, more dialogue than I usually do, and since it's not my strongest topic, I hope you'll like it!**

**I really had fun writing this one, I think it's the one I enjoyed the most putting on papers so far, so I'm very exited to share it with you guys. the slow burn is out, the fic will move on more quickly starting next chapter. **

**As usual, I'm completely touched, and beyond grateful for all your kind reviews, all the fav and follows, it's so much more than I could have ever imagined. So, thank you x3000.**

**There's two people I want to particularly embrace, Flav and Zineb. My loves your support, excitement, kind messages, and moving feedbacks, and harassment are the goldest. I'm still wondering what I did to ever deserve you. you motivate me every day, and reassure me when I need it, ily.**

**And last but not least, my awesome beta, and more so friend, Wika, for her gentleness, for her incredible support, for her ideas, and awesome feedback. This fic wouldn't be the same if it wasn't for her. Wika you're the best.**

**Don't forget to review, please!**

**Good reading,**

**\- Fran.**

* * *

_Come and find out:_

Another apartment, another door, and another person, but the same stress invading her when she knocks on the wooded opening.

She didn't come empty-handed, her left hand holding on the bottle of red wine like her life depends on it. Donna brought the Crozes Hermitage along with her, sticking to her mother's principle, the one saying to always bring something when you're invited into a person's intimacy. Alcohol is an easy topic, so wine was the logical option here.

The complete unknown is waiting for her on the other side, and even if fear and anxiousness are becoming very familiar friends, she still has a hard time dealing with them. She tries her best and puts her actress' mask on, but her knuckles turn white, contrasting with the dark green of the bottle, and so betray her actual state.

She tried to prepare herself a bit during the day, wandering to where she wanted this conversation to go, also having in mind whom is the person she'll have it with. Her _none –_ best friend. Going from there, a best friend is by definition the person who knows you the most, is the one you call at six in the morning, or at midnight when you need someone. The woman she'll speak to will know things about her, and she won't be surprise about it. She is prepared, ready to face someone who knows her life, she knows – or more so hopes – how to react to it. What she fears is the content of the information itself. She is aware she will find something, but what?

It is supposed to be with this _Rachel Zane, _this young lawyer, and soon-to-be married lady, this _best friend,_ Donna has an appointment with tonight, in what looks like a cosy place, judging by the venture she just entered. Everything should be fine, just fine.

Tonight's conversation might bring her another missing piece of her scattered life, she might get the answer to led her to Harvey's flat this morning in the first place, the answer to the reason, to the biggest _why_. She may find out what got in her, what made her quit on her dreamed life. And that's what she wants, for sure.

_Relax, no big deal here. Breath in and breath out. Everything's fine, it's fine._

But in reality, she isn't fine, nor ready, at all.

And it's weird, for her. She's divided, torn apart even. From one perspective to another, she in one, is just meeting with strangers over dinner, and from another, she's bounding with people who mattered in her past, and, not knowing how to cope with their wounds, the ones forming due to her absence, while managing to keep hers from bleeding, it's all too confusing she wants to drop everything and escape.

But a little voice tells her she's in the right place, right where she's expected to be tonight. So, she takes a loud breath, and stays.

And if she thinks about it a bit more. Her discomfort isn't due to the place, nor the people, but indeed to the uneasiness the topic of the conversation brings to her. Her brain is messing with her, when her heart knows its place, knows she does belong here.

She, Donna, standing here with a bottle of wine at 6PM, it doesn't feel strange at all.

Donna, once more, has this strange sensation of living with two souls in one body, and by extension sharing everything with that other personality. And she also knows why being here is intimate, but she came to comprehend, having the reason of a sentiment, and really inhabiting it, really, deeply feeling it, are two completely different things.

She waits for a few more seconds, when a man opens the door. She's surprised, mannered even. She somehow hoped for him to be Rachel, hoped to have to face only one member of the couple. But it seems like fate doesn't want to help her. She can't remember the dude's name, Harvey did tell her about him, but she didn't stack the info to preoccupied by Harvey's closeness and sympathy to care.

"Hi, I'm sorry to bother you" Donna speaks, "I'm looking for Rachel Zane. Is she here?". Her voice doesn't flutter, but her interlocutor clearly struggles to find his.

It gives her a few seconds to eye him, and she can't help but notice, he definitely looks like a younger version of Harvey Specter. Same height, and same haircut, the cockiness and assurance of a lawyer glowing. Only his eyes change. Those ones are blue, like the ocean, and when Harvey's reflect a strong and emotionless personality, those ones are full of compassion.

She is even surprised how the two men look so alike from the outside, and yet how such different auras originates from them.

The guy finally gets himself to speak, "Donna… Hi". She sees tears forming in his eyes, as an ache is forming in her chest.

The kid swallows the drops of water, and answers her original question, "Yes…yes she's here", he affirms, "Please come in".

Donna feels that look on her, the one she tried so hard to avoid, the gaze saying more about her past than any words could.

"Do you want me to take your coat?" he nicely proposes, the shock of her presence sticking by his side.

"Oh, yes please" Donna agrees while taking the piece of clothing off of her shoulders. "I also brought this", she hands him the bottle then.

He hangs the coat, and then takes the bottle in hand, thanking her in the process. They make their way to the living room, "You can sit on the couch, I'll let Rachel know you're here", he informs her, a shy smile on the lips. He's happy to see her here, Donna can tell. Anxious, but happy.

"Thank you", she smiles back.

He's half way to the kitchen, when he turns to her and add, "It's good to see you again, Donna", the little smile growing a bit.

As planned, the place is very welcoming, even if rather small. No doubt being the first flat of this young couple, the simplicity and feminine touch mixing perfectly with the still boyish and almost infantine furniture. The youth they're sharing, both as persons and a couple showing. Donna must say, it is a very cute place to live in, the set of windows by the desk holding the whole charm of the flat.

Donna is quickly taking place on their couch, near the burning fireplace, in the wait of Rachel, finding herself in an awkward moment. Her habit of fidgeting fingers coming back, she has nervousness written all over her face.

She doesn't wait more than five minutes before eyeing a little brunette, domestic clothes on, walking in the living room, followed by her half.

As soon as Rachel sees the redhead, she feels her warm cheeks being christened by cold tears, a nod forming in the throat. After all this time, seeing her best friend in her home, she can't even begin to say how much she missed it. She and Mike had to struggle from afar, helping Harvey as much as they could, being the strong shoulders, he could rest on during the darkest days and the endless nights, suffering in silence with him too. Harvey has been the most hurting of them all, but the couple had its share of fears, cries and hopeless thoughts concerning Donna too. They also, were scared like shit during her month of coma, and then they were cut short when the diagnosis fell, and Donna's will with it.

Rachel feared to lose her best friend forever, and when she got good news of her awakening, Mike had to rip her wings off only to announce her she'll never talk to Harriet Specter again, because she doesn't remember Michelle Ross, and she doesn't want to.

Rachel had her heart crushed into a million pieces, only being able to go on because she had her wedding to organise. She lost her friend, more so a person she never imagined live her life without. And she had to lose her, knowing Donna wasn't dead, but just going on in a life without them, like none of them mattered, like they never happened.

Dealing with it was huge, but the rollercoaster of emotions she and Mike went through started all over again, once more, when Harvey told them Donna wanted to speak with them, it was all too surreal, all too much, and yet all being what they secretly hopped for.

She lost her sister, but she's right here, right in front of her.

Rachel slowly approaches the redhead, letting her get up, and letting her choose how they'll great in the process. Her voice is confident enough to speak though, "Donna, hi."

Donna wishes she could have missed the desperation in the chocolate eyes looking at her, but they are slaying her, accompanied with the burden of guilt she's carrying. She lets her emotions flooding, and with a tremble, replies, "Rachel".

The general ambiance is too heavy for both of them, they quickly rush into each other's arms, tears now freely liberating their salty taste. The hug is a welcomed comfort, the embrace warm, reassuring, offering a secure and safe place. An undeniable closeness Mike happily witnesses, only to be brought in when Donna offers her arms to him too.

They hold like this for a time, long enough to linger the shared feelings, and digest the shoot of adrenaline they just came through. Mike is the first to let go, finding his new place on one of the couches. The women quickly follow his path, both sitting on the same one, facing him, hands holding on each other, maintaining the link.

Donna holds the gaze, a small chuckle between the still rolling tears escaping her, "Hi", she greats again. But soon, another need makes its presence known, the need to apologize. She doesn't let Rachel the time to think of something to say, she engages, shushing, "I'm sorry", all the sadness filling her pupils, "I'm so sorry".

It would be lying to say Rachel didn't need to hear those words, because whether she wanted it or not, Donna did hurt Rachel, and she was mad at her for it. But, hearing them now, they don't really matter anymore. In fact, Rachel doesn't even know which reasons a 'virgin' Donna could have to apologize, so she shushes back, on the same tone, "For what?", their foreheads almost touching.

For so many things, Donna thinks to herself, but for once, she knows where to start, "Ignoring your existence? For a first" her voice isn't low anymore, even if her nod is still present, "And then, only wanting to bound with you when I need it." her hazel globes begging for forgiveness, "For putting your feelings aside, because I didn't take your, our, past into consideration. Because I acted so selfishly…"

The pain is almost physically showing through Donna's body, it makes Rachel shivers. She squeezes her hands, "Donna no, you have nothing to be sorry for", a reassuring smile coming along. In the heat of the moment, all can be forgiven and forgotten.

But it doesn't make Donna backing down from her speech, "As a matter of fact, I do yes.", she reinforces, "It was rude, hard and unfair coming from me. You don't deserve that and I should have known better. None of you deserved it", her head turning to Mike, gaining him the same gaze she gave his fiancé seconds before...

This time, Mike tries to lift the burden of culpability off of her shoulders, "We got it, Donna" he calms, "You needed time to process what happened. We won't ever, blame you for that".

Donna is on the verge of crying again, the words being a nice bandage to her wound, a soothing gauze, "You may don't know that about us anymore but, you may push us as far away as you want, we are not going anywhere. We'll always be there for you", looking for support, he asks Rachel, "Won't we Rach?"

The lady doesn't even think about it before agreeing, "We will".

Donna is taken aback, surely in shock of the amount of love coming from persons she just knows as persons she hurt, deeply hurt judging by their gazes. Support wasn't what she was looking for, and yet she never felt more helped, never wanted to trust anyone more than them – _one exception made. _She feels understood, surrounded with goodness, the family way. She mumbles then, "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

The couple shares a knowing look. One evening wouldn't be enough to tell her what she's done. Mike takes the lead, "You, well you simply change our lives, in the best way there is".

Donna quicks an eyebrow at the vague and blurry answer, "Did, did I… really?".

Mike laughs internally at her stupefaction, wanting to enjoy the rareness of this moment, "Yeah, yeah you did. If it wasn't for you, well, I never would have got an interview with Harvey, even less got a job with him. Rachel and I would have never met, and I would probably be in some deep shit situation right now".

Donna's eyes widen, her curiosity picked up. She's like a child, who's being told for the first time the wonderful adventures, or more so legends, of that weirdo uncle at family parties.

Rachel doesn't last long before adding her part too, "And that's without mentioning what you do for us on a basis, how you're the cement holding us, and the firm all together, especially when Mike went to prison", the souvenir still being vivid.

She almost thinks it's a joke, but their face tells her another story, "You went to jail?!"

"I did yes" Mike affirms.

"Oh my god, why?" she frenetically wonders.

A sharp laugh escapes his lips, "Well it's a rather long story." He points his indexes towards him then, "Short version, I'm a fraud", he states, almost a proud note in his voice.

Donna doesn't miss the cockiness, and smirks almost in disbelief, "And you got a job, as a lawyer, in one of the best law firm in the city?"

"Apparently I did", he affirms, "Harvey hired me having his full conscious".

Donna pouts, "He does seem like the kind of guy who likes breaking the rules".

"There's one he never broke though" Mike dares.

"Mike", the warning tone of Rachel cutting the joking ambiance of the room.

Donna gets the warning, deducing something is off, "What does that mean?"

Rachel puts on her warm smile as quickly as she left it, "Nothing. It means nothing". In an attempt to avoid a salve of embarrassment, Rachel decides time has come for the serious talk at hand, she inquires then, "So, Donna, what do you need us for?"

Donna wants to interjects, wants to dig into the 'nothing' but fights against her will, knowing the right moment isn't this one yet, "Hum, yes actually. Perhaps you can help me on something", she motions to Rachel, "concerning Harvey".

Mike gets it's his queue to leave, "I'll leave you two alone". He gets up then, goes to the kitchen, and pours the girls a glass of wine. They wait until his waiter's job is done, before pursuing.

"What about Harvey" Rachel questions then.

Donna doesn't really know where to start, not really aware of where she is setting foot in, "Well, do you know how he and I started working together?"

Rachel is a bit surprised by the question, but quickly speaks, "Yes, you told me you approached him in a bar, asked him to hire you, and less than a week later, you were his secretary at the DA's office, why?"

Donna ignores the question, preferring going on her own investigation, "I asked him to hire me?"

"You did, because everyone knew he would leave for a law firm at some point, so his career plans were in sync with yours. While he works there, you can be his secretary but still escapes for auditions, and by the time he leaves the DA's office, you would have become a full-time actress.", she explained.

Donna slowly connects the dots in her head, "So I never was supposed to follow him…?"

"I don't think that was the original plan, no", Rachel agrees.

"Then, why did I come at the firm with him? It doesn't make sense…does it?", Donna ponders.

"What are you looking for here Donna?", Rachel wants to clarify, "Shouldn't you ask Harvey about that?"

"I did ask him this morning, but he said he didn't know.", Donna adds then, a hint of deception in her low voice.

Rachel gets the bigger picture then, "That's why he gave you my number", she guesses.

"Yes", Donna confirms in a hiss.

"But I don't get it, how can I help you here?", she looks at her friend, not really knowing where her place is in all this.

Donna lets a blank, her eyes losing themselves in the quiet fire behind Rachel, before speaking up again, the interrogatory going on, "Did I ever tell you why I quitted theatre?", the hazels back on the lady again.

Rachel motions a 'no' with her head, words supporting her gesture, "No, no you never…"

She jerks, "Shit!".

Can't it be just simple? Can't people have the answers already waiting for her so she would be able to go on?

No, she had to never tell anyone why she did what she did, so of course her lost-self would struggle to collect the pieces. She sees the angriness longing for her, defying her, but she manages to keep a calm state, knowing bitterness won't lead her anywhere.

Rachel eyes Donna struggling, feeling her body tensing up, the empathy having the best of her, "I'm sorry", she whispers, "Did you remember something about it?", her question being a stepping stone for Donna to empty her bag.

"Not remember no" she interjects now, "But two days ago, I went to my old theatre company, reacquainted why a guy, and he told me I quitted, like definitely left the stage when I went to work for Harvey at the firm. Apparently, I got a huge role in a musical, but if I took it, it meant I couldn't be his secretary anymore, so I had to make a choice", the story falling so naturally from her lips, it's almost scary now.

Rachel detects the pattern then, "And you put him over you". Donna and Harvey all over again.

A sharp laugh escapes the older woman's lips, "Yes", she bits her bottom one then, still dazed by this truth, "And I wish I could understand why I made that choice because, I could have made it as an actress. I declined the role of my life to remain his… secretary. And the Donna I was back then, the Donna I am now, would never do something like that. I just- I don't know I hoped you had the why".

But a detail stands out in this sea of information, Rachel inquires quickly, wanting to make sure she heard it all right, "Wait, when did you say you quitted?"

Donna sips on the wine, before repeating, "When we came to the firm why?"

_Oh shit._

Rachel's body falls back loudly against the couch, connecting all the dates and dots, and history, "Oh shit". Only this time, she doesn't cut the awkward moment, too taken by it herself to avoid it.

Donna figures out, she has a missing piece of the puzzle, there's something there, "You know something don't you". It's more a statement than a question.

The gazes intensify, and Rachel doesn't have the time to choose, if it's a good idea to tell her or not, she's now facing a wall, she has no other choice, she shyly tries, "Donna I- "

"Spill it Rachel", the nervousness showing, Donna can't wait another second, she wants to know what happened, needs to.

"Well, I don't know how to say this but", she stumbles, it's like walking on eggs. She prays for Donna to keep her calm, she prays for her not to rush out of here.

"But….?", Donna's tone becoming more and more threatening.

"Donna, you slept with Harvey", she finally voices.

Donna freezes at the revelation, the impact the words have on her breaking her walls, slamming every ounce of self-confidence she has, crushing her whole being, "What? When, no it can't be … Possible I mean", her first instinct is of course to deny it, the bombshell too huge for her. She holds Rachel gaze, looking for any signs of a bad joke, anything.

But the young lady twists the knife she just stabbed Donna with, when she reinforces, "You did… It was a one-time thing the night he left the DA's office."

The range of emotions she's currently going through is enough to put her on the verge of tears, but angry ones. Donna is too mad too quickly, the tears are the only way her body has to let go a bit of tension, not physically able to contain it all in her fit silhouette. Donna implodes, not really understanding it. She wants to scream, cry, hit a wall, kill him, never see him again, slap her own face. She wants to do a million things, but doesn't move an inch, the sledgehammer hurting her head harder and stronger by the seconds.

"I'm a fucking idiot", she insults her own self then.

"You're not Donna", Rachel vainly tries, witnessing, powerlessly seeing her friend's reaction, and cursing herself in the process, for telling her. Maybe it's too soon, maybe she shouldn't have, maybe it wasn't her story, her secret to reveal. And yet, here they are, sitting on a couch, with a Donna discovering the _why_, or at least a part of it, in one of the worst configurations ever. But she hasn't left yet, so what does that tell her? Is Donna incapable of leaving, because she's too shocked to do so? Or was she in fact, ready?

The loud voice brings Rachel back, the words hitting and hurting her more than it should, "Yes, I am! I gave up my dream, not for a person but for what? A great night of sex? Is this really what I am? I really became that woman, gosh, I can't believe it."

Over the years, the firm had its share of rumours on the partnership's sex life, on the very nature of their relationship. Rachel, far from being an idiot, knows how people look at Harvey, the guy who's sleeping with his sexy secretary. But most importantly, she knows how they look at Donna, the patriarchal society at its finest, like she's the lady sleeping her way there, earning her titles by working hard under the desk only, being offered luxury bags and shoes as a reward of a nice evening in the bed. That's what their relationship looks like from the outside, the classic and all too cliché man falling under an attractive breast' spell.

And its surely how Donna is seeing it right now, doing the maths of the sex and the bags, of the job and the dresses. Little does she know, it's not even the tip of the iceberg, hell it's not even the good iceberg. Their iceberg is one of mutual respect, gratitude, trust and understanding, floating in the waters of unfinished and blind faith. The whole cemented by the unconditional love they share.

It is so much more, but where do you start to explain it?

"Donna don't say that, your relationship with Harvey is more than that.", her tone begging for her to believe it.

"Oh, is it really?", Donna retorts, "Because from what I get now, he fucked me and it cost me my career.", the words harsh, and the shortcut easy.

Rachel puts all the convincing forms there are in her voice, prays each and every God existing to help Donna seeing how complicated it really is, "Donna, trust me, it was _more_ than just a fling.", her way to utter words, is slower, consciously empathising her sentence, hoping it'll help.

And it works, Donna soothes a little, the calm and low voice of her friend relaxing her a bit, even if she rests on the defensive, "Care to enlighten me on this one?", her eyebrows frowning.

Rachel tilts her head a bit, not able to keep a grin away from her lips, "You wanted more, back then."

And one more layer, Donna is on free roll, her emotions totally controlling her now, she's ready to hear the rest, because to be honest, she reached the point of no return, so she might go as far as she can in her discoveries, "More as in?", she asks.

"More as in a relationship", the obvious being out, "But you told me he wasn't ready for this."

_Of course, he wasn't ready for a relationship, but getting laid? Bet he's first on every queue._

"And yet I still came at his desk, at the firm.", the statement breaking her heart, her woman's heart. The one she swore to never let a man having his way with, the one she swore she'll always be in full command of. She failed that, and she failed herself. For him. In much more ways she ever thought possible.

And thinking of this morning, and of him, it strikes her, "Wait, he knows that! Harvey, when I asked him this morning, he should have told me that! He lied to my face saying he doesn't have a clue. Huh, wait I bet he just forgot about it, a one-time thing, I must be just one more trophy hanging in his women collection…", she takes her head in her hands, mumbling, "Gosh, I can't believe it! He looked me in the eyes, and I saw nothing…", she turns to Rachel, almost dazed not to find the same angriness o her partner's face, not seeming surprised at all the lawyer didn't mention their little party.

"That's one of your conditions", she discloses.

"Conditions?", Donna challenges, not seeing an end to this mascarade.

"You agreed to keep working for him, only if you both put this night out of your minds and never mention it again.", she starts, "You reinforced your not-dating rule, and, in all the years I've known you, we spoke about this night only one time together. You lied to me when I asked you about it before, and you kept lying about it after, to everyone, both of you. The two of you, you just live on as it never happened", the sadness now filling the room.

Donna is curled up on herself, a fake attempt to protect herself from the pain she's feeling inside, she's looking everywhere and nowhere at the same time, the void being her pupil's best friend, "That's… Fuck, I'm more an idiot than I thought I was. I can't believe it".

"Donna…", her hands gripping the freckled forearm, gently rubbing it.

"And what does that make me? The idiot waiting for a guy? Because if I understand correctly, either I ended up not wanting more, or I'm still waiting for him to be ready. Because we're not together today", she struggles, the words being kept inside her twisted throat.

"I don't have the answer to that." Rachel honestly responds, "All I can say is, the bound you guys share, is _complicated", _the tone used makes Donna shyly giggle, her eyes rolling,"But it's the strongest and purest one I've ever witness".

_Their bound. Their link. Their rope. Their partnership. Their relationship. _

Everything seems to be turned towards him. Him + Her. Them. An undeniable connection, a complete understanding, eyes losing themselves in one another. They get one another, have each other's backs, feel protected, in a safe and meaningful place when their around.

What is that? What is _they_? Who are they?

Suddenly, the question she asks Harvey this morning comes back in her mind, the other way around, "Who am I, to him I mean?"

Rachel childishly laughs at the interrogation, "We're going to need more than a bottle of wine for this", she takes her glass and sips on it, Donna doing the same.

"Seriously Donna, I get how it must look like right now, but I trust you, and I witnessed you. You didn't give up on theatre just for good sex. You must have seen more in him, even back then. I can't start explaining it to you, and it's not my place to do so, but Harvey without you, he's not the same. And I doubt you're completely you without him either."

Donna wants to believe that, for some reasons she doesn't get, surely just because it's him again, "But, the first chance he got to lie to me he did. What does that tell me?"

"How would you have reacted if he had told you what I just did? How would it all have sound?" Rachel questions back.

"Even dirtier", she'll give him that.

"He did that- ", Rachel begins.

"To protect me", Donna ends.

"He always does."

.

.

The very next morning, Mike rushes into Harvey's office as soon as he reaches the 50th floor, wanting to make sure his boss is okay. He didn't allow his mind to go down the dark road about Harvey's potential state following Donna's visit, in both their homes.

Still, he expects to find a more broken Harvey than the usual, a little step back from where he started to get out of, after his encounter with the lady at the hospital. Once Donna clearly manifested her reject, Harvey didn't yield in his demons again, it was hard, but he was there, fighting to stay afloat.

It's then a surprise when, as Mike steps into the room, he finds a very unusual smirk on the face of his friend. Harvey is quietly sitting at his desk, already working on a case, He doesn't bother with the greetings, he just hopes Harvey is ready to open up at 8 in the morning, "You seem…happy. Why are you happy?"

Harvey lifts his head from the papers he was going through, not surprised by the puppy's presence, "Why wouldn't I be happy?" he fights back.

Mike takes the sit at the opposite side of the desk, making himself comfortable, "I have a couple of ideas, the main one being because you're Harvey Specter", teasing him a bit.

"So funny", Harvey replies, head back on the job at hand.

"Seriously Harvey, what's going on?", Mike mouths.

He gives up on the files, closing it, alongside his pen. The kid wants to talk, okay then, let's talk, "Nothing, nothing's going on", he faints, his voice telling there's more to the story.

Mike doesn't believe it one second of course, not that Harvey ever thought he might, he utters then "Nothing really? And so, what if I tell you, Donna came by yesterday night?", wanting to touch a nerve, wanting a concrete reaction.

Harvey already knows it, after all, he's the one to thank for, for that. But a part of him is relieved to find out, she really went there to, she didn't back down either. He urges, "She talked to Rachel?"

Mike nods, "She did."

"And how did it go?", the need to know pressing in his head, and in his heart.

Mike sighs before answering, he doesn't know much, and he surely doesn't want to give false hope to an already wounded man, "From what Rachel told me, rather good. There were little waves, but the discussion led somewhere I think."

Then fear makes an apparition, Harvey shuns she might slip from his arms again, "So, she knows why she agreed to come to the firm?"

"I don't think she does. Or if she knows, Rach didn't tell me about it.", he relates.

Harvey takes the time to sink the information in, almost happy about it, "Okay…" he breathes.

Mike glances from Harvey to the view, the sweet memories of last night invading him, "It was great though, seeing her, hearing her."

"It was", Harvey can all but disagree with the thought.

"I missed it more than I thought", Mike confesses.

"Me too." Harvey emphasizes, "Did she… Did she tell you if she'll stay, in contact with us?", the words stumbling to go out, not sure he's ready to face the truth.

Mike smiles at him, seeing the anxiety forming and invading the room, "She didn't say a thing, but she's looking for answers, so I think it's safe to say we'll see her again… And maybe, just maybe, she'll have her memory back before she gets the chance to escape from us", the last part is thrown like a desperate bottle in the dark waters of life, a pleading statement towards the judges of life.

"I really hope so" he chuckles back, the irony striking him once again, the feeling decided to stick by his side apparently.

Mike wasn't expecting an amused giggle from his boss, missing the joke, "What's so funny?"

Harvey shrugs his shoulders, "Life, I guess", he claims.

Mike laughs back, "Yeah…and why is that?"

He takes aloud breath, allowing the air to give him the courage to declare, "Because I got my big answer too. and now that I have, the thing isn't valid anymore."

"Your big answer? Big answer to what?" Mike parrots back.

"To what place I have, or rather had, in her life…", he enunciates, his flat voice filing the air with truthfulness.

"Meaning…?", Mike digs in, still completely dazed by the words.

Harvey, breaths out loudly, showing his uneasiness, almost blaming Mike not to get it, being forced to deeply explain the thing, "Meaning I finally know, she does love me".

Mike smiles in bemusement, "Because you doubted it?", the joking tone not even hidden.

"No, I didn't" Harvey objects, "I know that she loves me. But I just discovered _how_ she has loved me during all those years… and now that I know it, now that I can face it and embrace it, well now is too late now, because this goddamn fate made her forget all about it."

"So, you finally got your head out of your ass…Wow… Harvey I'm proud of you", Mike glares, finally satisfied. After all those years, this is something he almost lost faith in hearing, and to be honest, the sweet melody of Harvey's word is even better in real life. Even in the current situation, Mike doesn't hide his happiness, getting on Harvey's nerves.

"Oh, shut up, you don't get to mock me here" he yelps.

"Oh, the hell I do, because the only idiots doubting their feelings for one another were you two, so now that one of you has finally come to term with it, let me savour the victory would you", Mike agues, no one could ever take this victory away from him, nor the sweet saviour of it, but then he wonders, "By the way… What made you see the truth?"

Mike's enthusiasm towards his love life has the better of him, the nice feeling of being cared for by someone soothing his moody face, "A few things, but the night of her accident, I went to her office and out of the blue, she, she kissed me… And my world fell apart.", the words falling without warning, to both the men's surprise, the shock of the revelation hitting Mike's head, like a bell hits the floor, with hardness. His eyes go around, and Harvey goes on, "But then she left, and I went looking for her. but she didn't want to talk to me. She was angry, so angry she didn't see the car… And for the second time that night, I- I lost my world.", the last part added with a brittle voice.

"Harvey, I'm…" Mike tries. His chance to finish disappears with Harvey's remark slashing, "Spare me your feelings Mike, mines are already too complicated".

And God only knows they are. Pity or compassion are the last thing he needs to deal with in the moment, too much is happening for him to do feelings. He is still in disbelief concerning the last revelation, not understanding where this is all coming from, but he feels deeply liberated from that weight. Donna kissed him, and he knows why she did it. And now that it's useless, it can't do any harm to tell Mike, can it?

Mike can only think of one thing, Donna's reaction to that, "Did you tell her that?", a form of urge in his voice.

Harvey almost feels attacked by the legitimate question, "I – I didn't get the chance.", he stutters, "And there's no point in telling her that now".

Mike silently agrees with the latter statement, there's no need to add fuel to the already burning fire, but he can't help but pry, "Will you tell her?"

Harvey takes a minute to consider it, "I, I don't know." He freely admits his unknowledge, "What I do know is, I can't afford to lose her again", almost in a whisper.

His honesty hits Mike right where it stinks, "To be honest, I think none of us can… We all need her".

The weeks without Donna shrugging the pair once more, the weight of her absence suddenly killing them a bit more. They feel the blood leaving their bodies, slowly draining through the opened injuries, marking the floor and their minds at the same time. They both wonder how a person can make herself so irreplaceable, so needed, and so loved by everyone. They both come up with the same answer, she's Donna. Going from there, there's nothing to do against this illness, her presence only, having the capacity to stich the hurt.

"We do…" Harvey concurs in a plea.

"Coming here without her… Even after almost two months, it feels so weird." Mike points out, "It doesn't feel like home". The fiery redhead missing in the family, her hair, her fragrance, her eyes… Everything making her who she is, is missed, she left a hole, a void, that could never be filled.

And suddenly the words resonate in Harvey's mind, like a lighting, a thunder vibrating through this storm, blaming his foggy wit filled with emotions to have kept this idea from him before. That's why he doesn't do emotions, they mess with his brain, and goddamnit, he might have found a way to have her back.

_I'm not coming here without her._

He gets up so fast, the chair almost loses its balance, barking, "Holy shit. I think I have an idea".

Mike doesn't understand one bit what's going on, only so shocked to move, when he sees his boss' eyes glimmered with lust, mirroring his conqueror behaviour as Harvey walks out of the office, a conqueror manner.

Mike has no idea, what Harvey just found out, but he sure as hell knows, he's going to close a deal.

.

.

He's rushing in the building, taking the stairs, too impatient for the elevator, even if there's twelve floors to climb. He has no idea what he's doing, he has no command on his doing, at this point he just wants her to be here.

His hits are loud, and frenetic, showing his determination. This door being the symbol of too much meaningful moment for them, the walls witnessed too much of their history, he wished he could have destroyed it somehow, the memories it brings aren't the sweetest ones.

But this time is different, the context, and the reason, the feelings, all of it changed, and he really hopes to find an open door.

His waiting for her on the wrong side, glancing from one foot to the other, not being able to stay still, anxiety combined with excitement forming a dangerous mixture of dizziness. But then the door swings wide open. "Harvey what are you doing here?"

Harvey is now facing a complete surprised Donna, mouth opened, and eyebrows frowned. She wasn't expecting him, standing here before her, coming looking for her in her old flat.

"Come work for me.", he enthusiastically asks.

"Wha- what?", Donna loses it, not understanding it one bit the reason of his presence here.

"Come work for me, Donna", Harvey repeats, with the same tone, adding just a bit of pleading in his voice.

Donna eyes him, observes the guy, and he looks completely high. He's wearing a suit, but it's all creased, his tie loosened and hair ruffled, his lungs clearly missing air, and apparently so is his brain. "Are you okay?"

"Listen Donna, I know it seems crazy, and inappropriate, but if you think about it, it's the logical choice.", Harvey desperately tires to elaborate. It might be the worst way he ever argument a case ever, but his lack of coherence reflects the deep want, the deep need behind the request.

"What logical choice, Harvey, I'm not following here", Donna's brain painfully tries to catch up, "Why would I come and work for you?", she challenges.

"Did Rachel give you your answer?", a proud, almost daring smile all over his face.

"No" she lied, partly. Donna gets there is not A reason, but her choice is indeed the result of multiple additions, Harvey being the biggest number, and that night with him. She has the advantage here, she's one step ahead of him, and the feeling of empowerment is exactly what she missed. She won't tell him she knows, she wants to play first, wants to have the sentiment a bit longer with her. And more, a question leading to another, the _whys _never ending, she just found one she wants to pursue to. _Why him._

Almost reading her mind, Harveys goes on, on his mission, "Do you still want to know why?"

"I do", she agrees, "But I don't see how me coming to work for you again has to do anything with it."

"It has everything to do with it", Harvey almost screams in the corridor, too happy to explain to her why.

"Oh yeah, well I'd love to hear that", the tone teasing him, it's a game for them. Only the stakes are high, higher than any of them realise now.

Harvey takes a more serious posture now, the following words chosen with wisdom, "Thirteen years ago, you made a choice. The most important one in your life. You chose to give up theatre to come work with me at the firm. You chose my career above yours. You chose me over your dream."

"Yes, I'm aware of that.", Donna spats. It's meant as a joke, even if the message is rather clear, she doesn't need to be reminded of her condition.

He only holds back the banter, immediately fires back, "Let me finish would you.", the smile sweating from his lips.

She tilts her head, and smirks.

Harvey continues, "Thirteen years ago, a reason made you pick the secretary over the actress. Well, I'm asking you now, Donna, will you come work for me as my secretary, again?"

She has to admit, he's full of surprises. "Where all of this is coming from? I don't understand, Harvey.", she almost whispers.

He chuckles, recognising here her will to know everything, but "There's nothing to understand, Donna", he breaths out, the joking tone aside, "Just, just come and find out.", he begs.

"Find out what?", she inquires.

"Come and find out the life you gave up theatre for.". Harvey lets the words sink in, finding her gaze in which he plunges willingly once more. He doesn't miss either the shy smile on her lips, her nice, and sweet face shining. Her freckles are at sight, since she isn't wearing any makeup, and she never looked more beautiful. The brown spots on her cheeks mixing with the reded taint betraying her embarrassment, the whole just perfecting her even more. The moment is enjoyed by both, the reason of the encounter vibrating in the air, "So… what do you say?", Harvey motions then.

"I say yes, Harvey. I'll come work for you." Donna nods. After all, she has nothing to lose, and deep down she knows, she can't resist him. one way or another, she would have yield into him, unable to say 'no' to his face, "But I'll come only on-", she starts.

"-Two conditions?", Harvey fills for her.

Donna's eyes widen, "How do y-", but the logic takes the upper hand, becoming a familiar habit, "Never mind I did that before didn't I."

He simply nods, the Cheshire cat smile all over his face, cockiness glowing.

"One?", he invites her to rules him, as always.

"One" she parrots, "This is not permanent, I'm not back at your desk for until the end of time. We're just experimenting, here.", she clarifies. Yes she's agreeing, but she doesn't know to what, and she fears of what it might do to her, how she'll deal to work with everyone there again, without her memory. And if she got it right, she's now the C.O.O of the firm, the little step back doesn't pass unnoticed.

Harvey agrees, he knows he can't fight her, and even if he could, he's not sure he would, seeing her confidence never ceasing to amaze him.

"And two, since you know how I take my coffee, there's better be one in my hand every morning", she winks.

"Miss Paulsen, you're hired", he moves to shake her hand, closing the deal.

She closes the gap between their hands, shaking them. The touch is electric, sending the skins on fire, causing shivers in both their bodies. The finally break the embrace, and Donna adds, "When do I start?"

"Monday. Don't you dare be late.", Harvey warns.

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it".

* * *

**End of chapter 7, hope you liked it!**

**Please let me know what you think in a review, I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

**\- Fran (newdarlin).**


	8. Memorabilia Part I

**Hey guys! **

**Here I am again with a new chap.**

**I know I took my time but some stuffs got in my way in my real life, adding to that I couldn't write a single word when I had the time… anyway it has been a struggle so I'm happy to deliver this to you.**

**I decided to cut the chapter in two parts, for some reasons, the first one being I won't have a lot of time with my finals coming, and since I haven't updated in a while, I still wanted to deliver a chap to you.**

**I've written a good amount of the part two, so expect a quick update in the following week.**

**Also, I only have four chapters to write, (well 5 now with this on cut in two), so enjoy the ride.**

**As usual, huge thanks to my first supporters, I'm sure you know who you are, I love you from the bottom of my heart.**

**And, as usual as well, thanks to Wika for the beta-ing.**

**I would love to hear what you think about this, so please leave a review, it means a lot to us.**

**Good reading**

**Fran.**

* * *

_**Memorabilia Part I:**_

_First day back – 6 weeks post awakening_

If it was any other day, Donna would usually hit the snooze button of her phone a considerable amount of time before finding the courage to leave her warm cocoon, and dive into the day, starting with her morning routine in the bathroom. Saving, today is not one of those days, and she's filled with too much trepidation to fall back asleep when she hears the shrill sound. Hell, she was even woken up before the alarm signalling to her it was time to get up, resonated throughout the room.

A giant grin plastered on her face, she quickly gets up from her bed, _I don't feel like dancing _by Scissors Sisters playing in the place, Donna Paulsen is in an amazing good mood.

She's a bundle of hysteria, an inexplicable light feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something new, yet so familiar, an advanced and welcoming excitement guiding her as she gets ready for her first day.

Today is Monday, her big day Monday, her come back Monday. She's coming back to the firm, the job, as well as to the man, and albeit nervous, Donna never felt more alive in her entire life.

If she is being honest with herself, she has no clue as to why she _really _said 'yes' to this delusional proposition, this madness of his and his sparkled brown eyes. She just knows, despite the late lie, and revelation of what she assumes to be a slight facet of their nearness, it feels right, and true. Absolutely not thought through and a rushed decision for sure, but the only option to take nonetheless. She sees this as her exit way. Remember the maze Donna felt trapped in, the one she keeps facing walls and can't get out of? Well, this offer, this job eyeing the past, is a well disguised way out, her breadcrumb out of this infinite labyrinth.

Helpless towards the true reason of her agreement, she couldn't care less. The new purpose Harvey offers her, brings to her more personal victories than losses. She has nothing to lose, therefore everything to gain, and as no opposite reasons were acknowledged, she's more than happy to start a new chapter of her life, even if this means hitting the rewind button of her 'law career' to square one.

Donna working for Harvey, and reforming the tandem they apparently have been during most of the past decade, it is nothing but proper, sure. A valid thing. He was so sure when he showed up at her door, so relieved when she nodded, his smile well engraved into Donna's brain, the duo coming to life again has a taste of sweet melancholia.

She found herself imagining, what it would be like for him, to have her back in his life too. How all of that would make Harvey feel, not as a lawyer, but as a person. She can't bring herself to imagine anything else than reassurance, as well as a bit of fear. Well, that's what Donna thinks she would feel if she was in his position. She secretly hopes to embarrass him a little, happily remembering their encounter at his penthouse, and enjoying too much for her own good, that breach of his when he's clearly not in control.

Her weekend has revolved around those interrogations, taking the problem in her hands, shaking it, turning it upside down, scrutinizing every angle of the situation, and as expected, no answers were to be seen. Although, not once she thought of taking a step back, and so leaving Harvey high and dry by cutting their deal off. She's all in, she's doing it. She's going _back _to the desk of her former boss - _or is it lover, or friend? – _determined to live the life she had for a couple of years, in the hope for results.

Donna was a bit nervous at first, going back there means so much things, her accident location being the most suiting one. It also means meeting people she knew, persons, actual humans' souls who, at most know her, at least know who she is within the building even if they never exchanged a word. And as same as she thought of what it would be like for Harvey, she thought about her own self too. She has to admit, she fantasized a bit on her work there, how she was seen, perceived by her peers. First as a secretary –_ surely like the one getting laid on the boss' desk, by the boss - _and as C.O.O _– do I have the respect I deserve, or do they see me as the sleeping promoted lady? -_.

She hated that part of her, who made her seen all of it by the patriarchalism's prism, but her feminism's self couldn't shut it down. Donna knows who she is, and where her boundaries lie – _fucking a sexy colleague? Why not. Against mundane advantages? Never. -,_ she also knows how rumours and whisperings are created by a jealous sex-free, orgasm-frustrated old bat of a paralegal.

But Rachel told her it wasn't like _that_. So those boundaries haven't change, even around Harvey.

Donna knows herself, both her strengths and weaknesses, her Donna-powers too, thus she has an idea of who, of what she might have turned into, during the course of twelve years in the same work family, a constant in the sea of this too-changeable-names company.

She figured out, she might have been the comforter of some broken hearts, the shoulder tears have been shed on, the advice provider, the rumours' mill tenant for sure. She bets she was damn good at what she did, severe but right, effective and productive, a real asset to this Law firm high standards. She hopes to have earned respect, and maybe be a little feared, by the sharks swimming in this pond.

Deep down, she wants to know that she deserved what she owns, truly deserved it by the sweat of her body, and by her skilled qualifications. Donna's guts urge to recognize she has done everything by the book, and didn't stole anything, from her apartment to her dresses passing by the six-figure pay check she will pursue to receive. Harvey insisted, she comes as a secretary, but she keeps her COO salary, not negotiable. Not that Donna was reluctant to it, she surely isn't against money, but she made it clear she doesn't do that foreplay for it either, she first and foremost does it for herself, and herself only. Okay, even maybe a bit for him to. But certainly not for the money.

Her brain worked non-stop during those two short days, giving her no time for a break, the overjoy never leaving her side. And now Monday has arrived, bringing with it the conquer mood.

She looks at her phone, stayed on the night stand as she was getting all dressed up, and checks the time, _7:30AM. _Right on time.

One last look at her outfit for the day in the mirror, making sure each detail holds firmly its place, she grabs her purse, her phone and keys, a determined walk leading her to the door.

Harvey is patiently waiting for her, legs crossed and ass on the black Lexus, coffee in hand. He isn't supposed to pick her up this morning, but how could he not offer her a ride on her first day. That's the least a boss can do for his secretary. Donna isn't aware of this little extra treatment, surely, it's why Harvey is so eager for her to come out, to surprise her, and cause her brows to frown, something he particularly enjoys.

He might even be more wanting to see her coming through that door, for so surrender him to reality, and making a certainty he is allowed to call Donna Paulsen _his secretary _once again. _His._ The simple thought of them being _them_ all over again fills him with happiness and peace. When she's with him, his whole war mode is put on hold, his dark struggles pausing to appreciate her calm. Donna has this strange ability, of easing his fights and stitching his wounds, her gaze for only medication. When she's right beside him, he stops fighting his own, and so is allowed to fight the world. That's why he wouldn't be the lawyer he is today without her, nor he wants to discover what kind he would be if she wasn't there. With Donna, he could never lose. How can you lose when you have that kind of fire by your side?

He's too proud of himself when he spots her opening the door of her building, and stopping herself when she eyes him, but the thing is, he's the most taken aback from the pair. Here she is, on her first day, wearing her dark green and high heeled armour, hair flaming in the wind, her eyes lighted by sparkles, each step she takes towards him causing the tar to melt.

Through his eyes, she's passing the opening, and switching on the sun at the same time. He's completely dazed of how outstanding she looks, in one of her _haute couture_ dresses, pairing with the Jimmy Choo stilettos he remembers buying her as last gift for secretary's day.

She's gorgeous.

She's the most splendid, stunning, sublime and superb woman, he has ever laid eyes on. He's starring at a piece of art, ogling her like it would make up for the fact that he can't touch her. He is completely smug, his breath taken away from him, his sunglasses coming down, as he wants to be sure she's not a hallucination of his. But, it's not the shiny star making his eyes to wrinkle, no, it's her shy smile as she looks up at him, a hand tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

How life is cruel and beautiful at the same time, allowing him to watch such an alluring creature, and yet having to swallow hard the deep need to smash his lips against hers.

Harvey wants to believe he's quick to recover from this dazzling state, but deep down he knows he's not, and that she caught him looking at her too intensely. This is new to him, adopting his _special Donna behaviour,_ this time with feelings involved. He never had to deal with his manly wants while being aware of why he wanted them in the first place, that's the first time he'll have to control himself at work towards Donna, with his feelings for her on the table. And he bets it is only going to get harder and harder, if she'll keep daring him with dresses resting above her knees, allowing her milky legs to show themselves a bit more than what he's used to.

Donna brushes under the rug Harvey's persistent gaze, most certainly because she's too embarrassed by it herself to make a sassy remark, even though she's somehow not surprised by his presence here. "Harvey", her voice adopting this particular tone.

"Hi Donna" he smiles.

She ends her journey towards him, letting a noticeable distance between them, determined to leave the boundaries where they are.

"I didn't know that agreeing to be your secretary included morning car rides." She feigns, her voice still betraying her excitement.

He gets up and takes the last two steps allowing him to go closer to her, without entering too much of her personal space either. A perfect distance, a _blurry_ distance.

"Being my secretary includes _a lot _of privileges", Harvey pouts, all too cocky, "You'll see", he reinforces.

"Is one of them finally getting my coffee?", Donna mentions then to the hot beverage gripped in Harvey's hand. He hands the goblet to her "Black, two sugar and a hint of vanilla for the lady".

She gladly accepts it, their fingers brushing in the process, eliciting a lingering moment between the two.

Harvey finally having both his hands free, opens the door for her to get in the car, "Ready?".

She takes the few steps separating her from the vehicle, Harvey close to her. She stops right before him, his cologne invading and intoxicating her in the process, she nods, "Ready". Her word is released in almost a whisper, not spoken out loud for everyone to hear, but just with enough confidence for him to feel her strength, her fiery eyes confirming what Harvey already knows.

She then gets in the car and Harvey closes the door on her, and while he makes his way to his side, she drinks on what turns out to be one of the best cups of coffee she ever had, when she notices something is drafted on the cork container. She slightly turns it, now fully able to see what's written on it. In the meantime, Harvey is well seated next to her, the car now being engulfed by the morning traffic.

"How could you have possibly known that?" she asked out of confidence, a smirk plastered from ear to ear her on her face.

"Because you always do".

'_You look beautiful' _was the name on the cup.

_._

_._

_One week back – seven weeks post awakening _

She has landed on her feet. Well landed. A smooth and calm arrival into the walls of law, a way fancier side of the profession if she compares to the short time she still has in memory, as an ADA's secretary, obviously before being Harvey's.

Back there, it is the sweet ambiance of kinder garden, baby lions faking a fight, not even showing the claws they don't have yet, where their sharp young predator's fangs make more one laugh at them than make one fear them.

But in here, the lions are well grown up, and they not only have the silkiest mane Donna has ever witness, but the claws and fangs aren't useless matter. Here the fight for power, dominance is a constant, leading and guiding everyone into the life they chose. Here, it is an arena, a spectacle Donna finds herself enjoying to watch, to analyse, by overthinking the mechanism of it, who pulls which strings, how to win a game, to what point the fight is fair.

Donna, being her intuitive self, hasn't been a long learner on how to close a deal, although having the best closer the city has ever seen surely helped.

There is another benefit to it, a less blatant one at first sight, but a certainly more profound.

She has come to wonder, how so nice and genuine good people like Mike, Rachel, and Harvey, one day finds themselves choosing that path, going into the world everyday with only the goal of winning, being the one and only, and having a name coming first on a wall, not wondering nor caring to what extent this Machiavellian's race between egos will damage others. And the answer here is the same as it is for her towards theatre.

They put on a mask, they put on a show. The case is the screenplay, the witnesses are the actors, the courtroom the stage, and the jury the audience. The lawyers have the main role, in which their unique aim is to win over the public's hearts, so they'll win their voice and make the balance fall on their side.

They simply act themselves out. They put their guts out on the table and play the goddamn thing as their lives depend on it. perhaps forgetting the consequences in the process. But somehow, it's not them, at least not entirely. Just as same as an actor isn't completely a character, a lawyer isn't completely a heartless person.

When, in the beginning Donna started by opposing her work lives, she, a week in, appears to joining them, and collects pieces on why this choice might not have been a complete mistake after all. But here, she's just the secretary, the gal who answers the phone and sits outside of the office taking appointment.

On her way to the kitchen for some tea, she stops herself in front of the empty office, the one with her name on it, the existent proof she was Chief of someone other than Harvey. Officially speaking. The very argument marking her official power.

_Donna Paulsen, Chief Operating Officer_

The title makes it clear now. She had a paw in the game too. She must have missed it, missed acting, toying with feelings and emotions, so she asked to be a player somewhere along the way. She had wanted to act again, not as an actress, but well indeed in the wild jungle of law powers, competing for her piece of the meal.

She leans against the door's frame, allowing her eyes to wander through the space, discovering the familiarity of her territory. It's almost shaming how she doesn't dare to enter, scared to somehow overstepping boundaries and then be caught like a child, a hand in the cookie jar.

It is out of her reach, the golden trophy she hasn't deserved yet, but waiting for her to be ready to rise again.

She smiles, her hazel sparkles filled with eagerness, and releases a breath she didn't know her lungs were holding, to then continue her journey towards her first aim, a cup of tea.

The corridors are no strangers to her now too. Gretchen, the woman she learnt to be Louis' secretary, gently reacquainted her with the space on Monday, touring her around the floors and desks, associate's cubicles as well as secretaries' ones. During the process, Donna came across unknown faces, smiling at her while Gretchen explained briefly the reason of her presence here.

An email had been sent to the firm's employees as soon as Donna agreed to come back, saying and advising everyone _**'their COO was to work here again, taking her old position as Mr. Specter secretary, in the hope to help her in the process of recovering her memory.'**_ Followed by some rules to respect and behaviour to adopt towards her in her presence.

The meetings were briefs, and in majority awkward, Donna facing persons who didn't have a clue on how to be before her, but as the week went by, she worked her magic once again and made everybody feel exactly how they need to be, like her accident never happened. They need to keep acting like they did before if she wants to have a chance to dive into her own self.

One week, it has been one week since she started striding the place. Pushing the turning doors to enter the too-high ceiling enter, jumping into the metallic elevator, and waiting a noticeable amount of time to reach the 50th floor, hearing her heels slamming the floor as she steps in, brushing her fingers against the walls while she makes her way toward her cubicle, only to find on her desk a fuming coffee, a sweet pink post-it with an Harvey written note on it.

Every morning.

He had made it kind of a ritual by now. Each day, she would come and discover, alongside the beverage, as he keeps his part of the deal, a sweet note with it, to either compliment her, or her work. Donna was surprised enough to see a waiting caffeine for her, brought by him, thinking that game would last only on the first day. But not only did he keep bringing it to her, he took the time to write her down delightful thoughts.

Monday was the '_You're beautiful', _Tuesday was for her filing system, when Wednesday complimented her handwriting. Thursday and Friday were for her confidence and presence. She didn't work on Saturday, even though Harvey did, that's why the next Monday, she found two notes, one for her smile, and the second for her '_happy one-week anniversary'._

It is mundane, futile things to say the least, but things that make her presence here noticed by him, and that alone is enough. She keeps the memorabilia, locking them in her souvenir box, the one she discovered times prior, already containing pictures of them.

All of those little details, little wagons that make her train towards souvenirs working on the road, as she, on this Monday morning, stumbles upon a sensation of déjà vu, when Mike enters the kitchen and helps her find the honey.

She sees herself looking for it on every shelf, as well as she anticipates him coming behind her and reaching for the pot on the upper one, and giving it to her with that sheepish look on his face. Along with the tube comes a certain proximity. She found herself being attached to the object, as she would have given it a name, and so turned it into a person, more inclined to create attachment. It is stupid, and unreasonable, having a such feeling towards a stupid plastic container. And yet, it is well present in her chest.

It is like she lives the scene for the second time, already knowing in advance how it will all go, being capable of anticipating both Mike's and hers moves.

Mikes hands her the wanting food, and Donna grabs it, but only out of reflex. She's stunned for a couple of seconds, long enough for Mike to register her absent mind in the gesture.

"Donna, are you okay?" he inquires.

She takes a breath, not really knowing if this is what she thinks it is, or if it's just her brain making up things. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine Mike, don't worry", a reassuring smile not reaching her eyes appearing on her face.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, just a bit tired is all, don't worry", she buttresses.

.

.

_Six weeks in – nine weeks post awakening_

Donna is definitely settled in her job. Loving every second of every day spent sitting outside of his glass office, she has found here a family dynamic, the strange feeling of belonging, never leaving her side.

She has found her rhythm, settled for a routine, a heavy one that is for sure, but also pleasing and welcoming. A routine made of early mornings and late nights in the office, takeout food and scotch, short lunch breaks and 5 coffees a day, one of them still being brought by Harvey alongside his morning thoughts on her. It is perhaps not the healthier routine she has had, but she has her day filled with paper works and assignments, alongside office chatting. It keeps Donna's brain busy, and honestly it is all that matters.

Donna never thought, she would one day say that out loud, but she actually likes, even loves, her job as a secretary.

When she agreed to it, a little over a month ago, she only remembered the job as being no more than a secure pay check at the end of the month, she didn't remember actually enjoying being anyone's secretary. And so, she expected to be the same here, having boring days, with boring tasks, and borings colleagues, only finding her fun into people's dark little secrets she would be the only one to know about.

But here, there is something special. This place holds a welcoming aura she doesn't get tired of. She wouldn't be able to explain it, but what Donna thought of only her accident's place, turns out to be her major souvenir's holder. Each and every one of her senses are on constant alert. Her eyes being too much accustomed to the space, the particular smell of the firm invading her nostrils every morning like a shoot of awareness. The sounds of phones ringing and copy machines printing stimulating her ears in all the good manners, recreating a melody she has heard a considerable amount of times. Even the files toy with her, as the firm uses a special paper for their cases, the thin cartoon being rude to her delicate fingertips.

The smallest details awaken something in her body and soul, each day passing bringing her closer to the closed door of her past life, of her _none-life_. and to be fully honest, the door has started to crack open.

The déjà vu sensations have been more and more felt by the redhead, reaching Donna's dreams. Donna was bewildered to say the least, when one night she finds herself dreaming of Harvey Specter, in a smaller office than the one he has now. Or when she's fighting her own tears, facing a lady that looks more like a bulldozer, and who's telling her she's fired.

Donna doesn't think of it has her souvenirs in the first place. One because she has never seen the lady in the office, and doesn't even have her name, and two because somehow, it doesn't come as a surprise at all that Harvey can haunts her subconscious.

That man has invaded her virgin brain, intoxicated her every thought, and marked her with his aura. She catches herself starring at him for minutes, who knows maybe hours, incapable of taking her eyes off of him when he works at his desk, all serious and concentrate on a case. Lips pressed together, his left hand supporting his head with his index resting just on his cupid's bow, his dark pupils shinning with intelligence as he lets his lawyer mind creating the best deal.

This man was sculpted from god's marble, she can't think of anything else.

But more than his physical appearance, she seems drawn to him, called by his wit. He makes her lose any compass. His gaze on her elicits something in the pit of her stomach, surrendering her to life. she doesn't know if either he kills her with his voice, or if he makes her feel more alive than god himself.

She doesn't know the particularities of their bound, she's totally oblivious to it, and Donna is certain he doesn't have a clue either. Although, the key must be there, they must lose themselves into one another to discover what makes them so special for each other.

She's donna. She knows things on people, knows how they are what they want, what they feel and what they need. But him, he is the exception, the unique case where none of her rules apply. She has the impression of knowing him so well that she come to not know him at all. he's a paradox, he's a mystery, he's her counter power in a way.

The terrible belief of facing an unknown man she already knows everything about.

Among all her colleagues, this supposed boss of hers is the one she has spent most of her time with, and she doesn't complain at all.

She has grown closer to Rachel and Mike, their friendship rapidly coming back to what it was, the couple being really good listeners, and of a nice company. Rachel's love for gossip matching her own, the women could spend the entire day whispering about the social life of the employees, the distraction always welcomed. She sees why this lady was her best friend, and is on the good path to gain this title again, the mutual trust already installed.

She also met Louis, quite the clown around here. But a theatre geek, and for that only the man has her eternal respect. He has his moods, and often acts like a child, but it's part of his charm, and deep-down Donna saw thee good man in him. She has some compassion for the guy, more so because despite him, he also became her favourite prank target. Gretchen is great help here too.

But Harvey…

Harvey has quickly stolen her attention. He may be her boss, but he never acts like one. He's treating her like a partner, someone of importance, his equal more like. He asks for her opinion on every big move he wants to make, and she's happy to share it, not once afraid to tell her opposition. He hardly tells her the things she has to do either, she's anticipating his every need, to her biggest surprise because she might be Donna, she never got someone so quickly as she got him.

The relationship is blurry, the lines well hidden behind free conversation and, even if careful, still present banter between the two. He makes her smile and laugh, but his habit of quoting old movies is driving her crazy, his taste on the matter being debatable.

It's not a typical boss-secretary dynamic, and Donna might have put it on her condition first, her memory loss messing with her, but a strange encounter between one of Harvey's long-time client, ignorant as to why she's in a cubicle again, made a remark about things being back to 'normal', and it made her realise that _this, _whatever _this _is, could always have been this way.

And she likes it.

She likes the witty remarks, the words' duels, and the knowing gazes they share when they work late in his office, a dim light offering a charming ambiance, auspicious for revelations. That's how, she shared stories the time she reminisces at the theatre, along with some cute facts about her childhood.

That's how she learned she already shared with him some painful secrets, her dad being the centre of discussion of one of their late rendezvous.

On his side, Harvey has been completely cut off guard. Indeed, he has the memory of them, but discovering some new things about her has been more than nice. He's facing Donna, but she's not the same while being completely herself in the same time.

Before him, drinks the Donna he was hitting on, back in their time in the DA's office, and it's no secret than his purpose during the premise of their scotch sharing meetings ritual, he was way more interested in getting Donna to agree to sleep with him, rather than her play's resumes. And so, now, with her young self and his mature side, he's learning and appreciating a whole new side of Donna, one who must have always been there, it's her, but one he missed thirteen years ago due to his primal brain.

And the feeling is invigorating to say the least.

The more days pass, the more he's convinced life has given him a second chance. he wasn't smart enough before, but he's damn well aware of everything right now.

* * *

**I really hope you enjoyed it! **

**Part two coming soon**

**Please leave me a review, they always are very much appreciated!**

**\- Fran.**


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